May 22

How the fuck has it been 11 days ever since my last blog? Time has been flying WAY too fast, I don't even know how I'm 5 days away from my exams. I wanted to go to the wellness room at my school, I was on the edge of crying right then and there while I was walking to the office. Anyways I'm getting a stronger feeling that 60% of the whole school population dislikes me. Maybe I should talk and smile more, that's something I can do for next year. 

My procrastination is starting to feel like an actual physical barrier for me. I don't even know if it's procrastination anymore, maybe I'm just feeling hopeless. I somehow have the WANT, not the need, the want to do my homework and missing assignments but I just can't bring myself to do so, I don't know how this thing got to my physical state and I want to be active again.

I'm getting scared of people too. I have a lurking feeling that everybody dislikes me in some way. Even if it's a part of life for people to dislike you, I still feel bad about myself but I can't bring myself to just end my life, since I would disappoint my parents for doing so. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but I have to. 

I lost my interest in the hobbies or shows I loved like, a week ago. I have nothing left. I feel like that. I don't know why I feel like this, I just want myself back, I want my work ethic back, I want my awareness back, and I want my enthusiasm for my hobbies back. Why can't I just BRING myself to do everything now? It feels like a physical barrier and I hate it. 

Anyways back to when I was about to burst into tears while I was searching for the wellness room, I saw my friend, Kandi or Candi. My first impression when I met her was that she was too dependent and attached to her "fine shyt" but I guess that I was no different than her. She was skipping her advisory class to go to the wellness room, and honestly, if she didn't come out of her classroom at that time, I would've cried outside the office. She said that she could help me to find the wellness room, only to find out that the teacher that runs it had to go in a meeting. I'll go tomorrow. We both walked out of the office, AGAIN, and went to my lunch table. I want to comfort Kandi one day. We're just hopeless romantics, and honestly, Junko from Nana was true, if someone like me had "falling in love" taken out of her life, what WILL you get at all? 

I need to heal but I can't bring myself to do so