My Body: An Analysis

my problems with my body started very young. I was overall a happy child. I did not know being thin would be a prerequisite to my happiness. 

the problems at first weren't my body. The problem stemmed from a seed planted within my mind. Planted by whom? I do not know. Yet it was there, and it's been there for as long as I can remember. 

As a child, 5-8 years old I was thin. I didn't think much about my body because of that. Yet I sure did notice the world around me. When I saw a girl who's body was "off" even in the slightest bit, I'd immediately view that body as undesirable. I wasn't fatphobic, I didn't bully or degrade anyone. As said before, I didn't think about it much. If I had to describe it to someone I'd say it felt like a nudge, a simple "oh" and then you eventually move on and forget about it. 

I remember seeing myself in the reflection of the library window in 4th (or 5th?) grade and thinking my thighs looked fat. at that point in my life, I was underweight. Not because of any bad habits or a result of restriction, simply because I was,

 well, 

a child.

 I loved food. I love food (although our relationship is now severed) but i had a real big sweet tooth. i remember going out shopping with my dad simply because I knew he'd buy me an ice cream at the end of it. I really loved mango ice cream. 

At the ages of around 9-12 my relationship with my body started to change. For some reason, I always felt like I had to lose weight. 

Actually no, my relationship with my body would change every time I looked in the mirror. That's why I'm scared of mirrors. Mirrors have the power to grant happiness.

Or take it all away.

To this day, I am still afraid. 

What I'm trying to say is I was developing body-dysmorphia. And at this point, my weight was still well below average. I became less and less uncomfortable in my skin. i would constantly compare myself to other girls around me and the mirrors were forever haunting me. My reflection, forever haunting me. One second I'd think those leggings actually didn't look too bad on me, the next i'd see my reflection again and think i looked chubby. In the sixth grade, i was always self-conscious. I remember that was the year i started getting pimples and my body dysmorphia skyrocketed. 

Writing about this now, It triggers me. I feel the "fat" of my thighs. The "chub" of my arms. A regret and discomfort so deep it could cut weighs down on me. It feels like I'm suffocating. But I'm not.

Anyway, 7th grade came and everything just starting to get worse. My self-confidence could shatter and resurrect itself in a matter of minutes. It was so delicate. Delicate does not mean weak. For I would feel the either emotion intensely. There was no medium. I was either all or nothing. unless I was distracted.

Distracted.

What a funny word to me. 

For 'distracted' is a great descriptor for the past 3 years of my life. Since I've gotten access to an abundance of different forms of media such as movies, tiktoks, shorts, videos, series, and even books, I've been trying to run away. Trying to distract myself in order to numb the pain eating away at my soul and mind. This pain, I don't even know how to describe it. It's not a conventional pain. Not exactly self-hatred, I've felt that before, so I would know. It's this relentless and intense discomfort, mixed with embarrassment, LOTS of fear and just.. self-conscious(ness)... As you may be able to tell, this isn't necessarily a pleasant mental state to constantly be TRAPPED in. So I run. And I hide. From myself. 

I drowned myself in consumption. Always chasing a 'high' that could replace the growing void inside my heart. Always making new promises and trying to start exercising or dieting, or some new routine so I could fix my skin, lose some weight, become prettier... I was always chasing this big transformation because I felt the current version of myself unacceptable. Whenever possible, I'd just consume and consume and consume, stuffing myself with useless content and empty promises. Of course, I'd always recognize these dangerous patterns and alternate between self-improvement and self-destruction.

This continued until 8th grade. A few months before 8th grade ended I came across this ana blog on tumblr. Something in me shifted. A nerve had been hit. I was born for this, this was my fate, my destiny.

And so I chose to starve. I was to get down to 45 kg in a a few weeks. The behaviors that accompanied this illness were:
-obsessively checking weight loss calculators to know exactly when I'd get down to a certain weight

- consorting with chatgpt in order to see how much weight i could lose in 'x' amount of time and how to do it the quickest and most efficient way. (I bypassed standard health measures by claiming that all my questions were for a research project for health class)

- obsessively and i mean OBSESSIVELY analyzing the weight, size and bodily composition of every girl I see, at any age.A year later, i cant get rid of this habit.

- trying to purge (failing,luckily)

- self-loathing and self-hatred amplified to x100. self-harm was involved.

- becoming someone i did not recognize. I would constantly make snarky remarks about overweight people I didn't even KNOW. I did this all in my mind, of course.

- my number #1 enemy became food. Number #2 Was myself.

- obsessively pacing back and forth in my room in order to get 20k steps. (I had like 3m walking space)

- I would limit my possibilities. I would not allow myself experiences unless I was thin enough. I missed so many opportunities because of this. 

- My whole life became this big ploy to get as skinny as possible in the least amount of time.

- Dreams in which I lost control with food

What amplified these behaviors were the world around me, on tiktok, instagram etc.. i would see skinny pretty girls and think "wow, i need to do better." I wanted skinny so bad I was willing to LOSE myself. I disregarded any health issues associated with it. As in, I literally tuned a blind eye. Skinny was and is so romanticized. I wanted it so badly... starvation was my drug. In th grade I would sometimes try to 'stop' this behaviour

unstable

irrevocable

(unifnished entry)