Self-advocacy is a joke. I'm done trying

I HATE the power struggles within my shitty family, I hate having to dodge and evade and create new tactics to avoid setting my mother off, I hate trying to negotiate my way through another power struggle with a middle aged woman.

I HATE!!! Not having a license or a car or an easy way to drive, I hate how nobody cares enough to give me a ride anywhere, and ya know? I hate how nobody cares in general! 

I hate how it's always on me, It's always on me to help myself and be a great and self-fulfilling person. I hate that. I FUCKING hate that. Because as much as I've tried, and I've tried, and I've reached out to guidance counselors, doctors, therapists, social workers, teachers, god knows who else. As much as I've tried, they have all said the same thing. 

"I can't help you. You have to help yourself." WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I can't! I just can't! I can't do this shit anymore! Fuck, like, having the same passive ideation for years and years and years on end to no avail with no help and nobody around except your shitty abusive family and when you try to reach out nothing happens and you're expected to go to school and get a job and be successful and have a happy perfect little life while being undiagnosed with what, severe depression?!?! Ugh, I HATE IT!!!!!!! I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!! It just makes me so damn upset! Literally, my hands are fucking seething and shaking with anger, I'm so tired of this shit!

Eventually you don't even see the point in it all, you don't want to do anything anymore, even the things you loved.

I just want this to be over, it's so inexplicably awful and mind numbing and upsetting and my neck hurts and I'm fuckin mad and holy shit I really need to, I need to, I need to, I need to, but I can't, I shouldn't, but I need to do it again, dawwwgggg I'm so tired of my FUCKASS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the fuck should I keep reaching out when it's all always gonna be on me anyway?

So yeah, I just want to stay in my bed and disappear. Why should I even try?

It never works out anyways.