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This shit is gonna be devided into two parts because i don't wanna write two separate blogs for something so shitty.
Last night I had a dream that was strange as hell, as all my dreams are, but this was some new stuff. I woke up in my room, all normal, but something felt uneasy— I looked at the walls as i do and just stared at the pictures that i hung there.(fyi, i have photos with my friends and my boyfriend mostly) In some pictures I was alone, but it seemed normal, as if that was the way it should've been, but at the same time i was feeling like something was wrong at all times, but I hadn't figured what was the problem itself.(the problem was that one person dissappear from the pics mysteriously and I wasn't aware of it at all— it was as if that person never existed).
I went on with my day, I kept on checking for messages not really knowing why, since no one was going to text me anyways, but i had a feeling that I'd get a text.
I always got that feeling that something was missing even though in this universe this person didn't exist at all. I kept on looking for something that was imaginary until i fell into some deep panick attack that led me to being crazy for life.
What does ts even mean?
And today i kinda felt estranged from everyone, i'm not sure why, because I went out with a good friend of mine and we had a little fun, then I spoke to this other good friend about his new relationship and we had fun too.
My mother kinda made me go mad today. She dragged me into this boring event and i didn't like it— when she asked me what i thought of it i told her that i was bored she exploded. I won't get into detail cause i'll go mad again.
Some minutes later she left me alone for a little, and i just texted on my phone without her noticing.
The thing about my thinking is that I'll bother this same person with my problems knowing that he won't do shit. Well, I could bother anyone and they couldn't do shit about me because it seems that all this advice everyone has been giving me doesn't work, or i just can't make myself follow it— not sure what's wrong with me.
Ever since I know myself, I've looked for some sort of pity from the others, but i can't actually describe it— it's not pity, really, it's just that maybe a proper advice just doesn't help me, but some dumb positive words regarding the shit that's happening. Thinking about it, i'm not sure if that would help either, i can imagine someone saying something like "you didn't deserve it" and i'd be like "okay pal"— maybe a few years back it would've helped.
Now, the only thing that could bring me confort might be myself and no one else.
I can't even ask myself what's wrong with me, cause i know what is, i just need to bring myself to fix it somehow.
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Tasi ⋆.˚౨ৎ
girlie drop pop mop crop hop glop sock... is this bc of the tarot reading. that wasn't the purpose of it and you lwk know it dawg
there's nothing wrong with you. this negative self-talk bs does nothing but hurt you mon petit chou. just because you can't easily change something about yourself that's heavily internalized and continuously reinforced due to your current environment doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you're unfixable or unlovable or even that you cannot get help. the reason why it might feel like people can't help you IS probably the fact that you hold off on reaching out and saying how you actually feel so often. and you shouldn't view this as a personal attack either, i get why it might be difficult to, and the fact that you feel like this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you either. nothing does, because you're literally just a normal person reacting to your environment like literally every other human being does. not to mention that when you're in this kind of headspace you really feel like the world is going to end when it's just an in-the-moment thing. this doesn't make those feelings less valid, ofc, they are allowed to exist and they have a reason for existing (doesn't meant that you should use this as an excuse to drown in them, though. which is ALSO not a personal attack don't get it twisted ☝️) but sometimes you need to let rationality slip in and be compassionate with yourself and realize that you're only feeling like that in the moment, and there have been times when you felt better and there are going to be times when you feel better, but it's also okay to relapse sometimes. relapsing doesn't negate your progress, it just means that you're human, and the biggest show of strength is always that you keep living and you keep going despite it all.
💗💓💞💖💝
also, of course you didn't deserve any of this bullshit. nobody does, nobody would, and you didn't. there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you that would make you deserve any of this and there are always going to be people that love you because you are worthy of love. fixing things takes a lot of time and a predominantly safe environment, but most of all it takes self-love and compassion. you cannot get better if you believe that you're not deserving of getting better or that there is something wrong with you that is right with everyone else. and on top of that, AGAIN, you need a safe environment and you also need outside support and you need the patience to recognize that this process might take years but that it is so, so worth it because you are worth it and you are deserving of a better life. it's going to be a long road, but the time will pass anyway. you have already gotten so much better in so many ways and that is something to be proud of. i know that i'm proud of it. i really wish you would feel safe to talk to us more, if only to get your feelings out in the open and know that someone is listening and wanting to help because they love you.
tl; dr: LOCK IN + YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID + YOU CHANGE EVERYDAY BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN + YOU'RE WORTHY OF LOVE + GETTING BETTER IS TERRIBLY HARD BUT IT IS THE MOST VALUABLE FORM OF SELF-LOVE + FUCK MIHA SHE IS SUCH A BIG FACTOR ON WHY YOU FEEL LIKE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE AND ALSO ON WHY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE STAGNATING WHEN YOU'RE GETTING BETTER EVERYDAY + YOU ARE FIXABLE + I CAN BREAK THROUGH YOUR WORLD + I FUCKING LOVEEE YOU QUEEEEEEEEEN AND YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE AN AMAZING WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING + THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TRYING AND PERSEVERING DESPITE IT AT IS VERY ADMIRABLE!!
P.S.: wanted to leave this comment yesterday but you were partying or smth
i really appreciate that you spent time and made effort to writing this comment and i thank you for the support. i think that in my head i actually know my values and i can enjoy life, but, as one does, i fall in certain pits that no one but myself can get me out of-- i know that all emotions(both positive and negative) are temporary, and i think i'm at a point where i feel everything very intense, i just talk about happiness less cause it's even harder than talking about negative stuff. Well, it's very hard to talk about feelings in general, for me at least, and i'm truly grateful for your patience
this whole paragraph SCREAMS 40 eq, but whatever. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
by Duduie; ; Report