My Penis is Nonbinary: How GRS helped solidify my nonbinary identity.

I have a cock now.  I named him Leviathan because I’m ironic.  My cock is little and sits between my hairy balls.  I underwent a full metoidioplasty on June 26, 2020.  I really didn’t care about penetration or even standing to pee (which I can do).  I only cared that I had functional (I can urinate and get hard) “male” anatomy.  I got something better.

I came out as a trans masculine nonbinary person in 2017.  I went on testosterone that summer and realized I was only attracted to men and other mlm aligned nonbinary people. I came out again as a gay trans man.  Recently however I realized that my identity lied between the two.  I am trans masculine and gay.  I often joke that if I had been born AMAB, I’d want to be a he/they fag anyways.

Now to talk about the process of getting my cock.  I had a consult with Dr. BBL and Dr. Zhao in February 2019.  There we discussed my goals.  Dr. BBL has a reputation of hyper-suggesting patients to get phalloplasty, this can be attributed to most of society seeing phalloplasty as delivering more desirable results rather than meta, which will give patient’s what I call a “mini-hog”.  I told Dr. BBL, Dr. Zhao, and the cute Greek medical student that my goals were to use my natal anatomy to expose my phallus, get rid of my vagina, and to hopefully pee standing up.  Size never mattered to me and I wanted to avoid long recovery times and electrolysis.  We all agreed that meta is what is best for me based on my goals, and my surgery was scheduled for June 26^th.

My surgery lasted about 5 hours. My pain from the surgery itself was minimal and managed with 600mg of ibuprofen taken every 8 hours.  However, the gas pain from laparoscopy was the worst pain I experienced in my life, and I had to take 2.5 mg of oxy to get that pain down from a 9 to a 5.  I was able to be discharged the day after and spent a week and half with a urinary catheter, was barely mobile for 2 weeks, and took hour long walks for a month as part of my beginning recovery process.

At around month 2 I had intense discomfort urinating and was put on antibiotics for a UTI for 7 days.  This pain did not go away and eventually I could not urinate at day 9.  My fiancé had to take me to the NYU emergency room from Massachusetts.  I had the worst pain in my urethra and bladder spasms.  Nothing could be found wrong with me in the ER, and I was scheduled to see Dr. Zhao the following Tuesday.  There we found I had a urinary stricture.  It had to be dilated twice before we decided to repair it with a buccal graft. That surgery took 3 hours, and I was discharged the day of surgery.  My stricture reoccurred 4 weeks later, and Dr. Zhao and I agreed that I had to have another surgery.  This time he would open a secondary hole in my urethra.  On January 8^th my stricture was fully in an hour , and now I can urinate from my phallus and that hole! Perfect for pissing on Regan, Thatcher’s, and Limbaugh’s graves.   In all my bottom surgeries took place over the span of 6 months, and I was in constant recovery during most of them. 

I mentioned my surgery experience because I know surgery is scary, complications are scary and annoying, however this should not be  a deterrent to accessing GRS and surgeons.  Dr. BBL, Rizhao, Dr. Shakir, the nurses and the team where there for me in my intense recovery process.  I have never felt like my surgery was a mistake.  Every story about bottom surgery must do its part in destroying the stigma around GRS and put fearmongering from both cis and trans people to rest.

GRS is not a binary versus nonbinary action.  Anyone who wants to get bottom surgery, should and should face no judgement in their decision.  My genitals are finally unique to and fit me.   I finally feel like my body is mine now.  I no longer am floating outside if it, but I am back and inhabiting it.  I am treating my body with love and care.  I am back to becoming a vegetarian, cooking for myself, and exercising because I want to nourish my body, nit punish it.  I am slowly (since I am still recovering from 6 months of stress) getting back into reading and being creative.  I am studying for my courses with a new passion. I am fully present for my fiancé. I am finally my childhood self, a scientific mind who loves working with animals again.