can't sleep

feeling. incredibly strange at the moment. ive barely been eating lately, which feels highly abnormal. ever since i started meds like a year ago ive become a massive foodie, just a vacuum for calories dude. but lately? i make myself a plate at dinner, smaller portions than what ive become accustomed to, and i still cant finish it. i ate like half a chicken breast and some rice today. im just not hungry anymore. it's bad. ive been experiencing some pretty extreme side effects, too, which i wont get into bc it's TMI and i already vented abt it to my friend anyway. idk. im also like extremely stressed out and paranoid, so that's not exactly helping. 

well, good news is my bed has finally been fixed. it's roughly 200 years-old, so we kinda expected it might break a bit, and it did. one of the posts detached from the frame. very annoying. it's been glued back together tho so i dont have to worry abt it anymore. and, tomorrow im dyeing my hair back to black. i had a weird moment some months ago while my hair was still long and the black dye had grown out quite a bit, where i decided to dye the rest of it orange. so, when i got it cut into a pixie, it was just... orange. not even a good orange, just kinda dull and faded. it's not terrible, but i dont like it much. tbh idk why i waited this long to dye it back to black. 

in other news, a lot of my stress rn is related to the fact that im involved in some legal shit with the government related to my dad and trauma. idk it fucking sucks. my therapist and i had to write a whole ass letter detailing my diagnoses and trauma. which just sucks so bad dude. the only thing is... i have never been more thankful for my DID diagnosis lol. it's pretty much screaming evidence that i was abused. still had to go into more detail than i wouldve liked but whatever man.

kind of related but our ""host"" (fucking hate that term) has been gone for liek a week now and it's a very stressful situation to be in. im handling it as well as i can personally, and by that i mean im just not thinking abt it and taking up their position internally bc it's literally just been myself and our esteemed protector, eide. bastard. honestly, i dont blame him for being gone, the sexual abuse memories were, to my knowledge bc i only know what ive backread from chats w friends, pretty insane. i kinda exist to be like. extremely normal. idk im not rlly affected by this shit? i get paranoid and stressed, yeah, but im not super fazed by the memories themselves. WHATEVER! i might delete this later but i just felt like screaming into the void somewhere + cant find my journal.