used or not, ale of turbulence

Unresolved trauma really leans to make bad choices, along with bad choices the regret and the paranoic feelings of it. Perpetually in fighting mode, trying to keep myself safe in a useless way that I know will be useless when I get manipulated the right way. Who doesn't feel their heart triggering in nervousness and bad thoughts when the triggers of pain start up??

I am conscious of my situation and more often than not I've decided to try and drown the worries I feel by literally avoiding it and doing something else. It's not like I can fix it up front, I'd have to run away from that. 

But yet, here's my condition.

Sometime ago I talked to a old classmate, wondering how I had been doing after all this time, and the apologies he gave on behalf of his bigoted friends were quite soothing at the time.

About 2 weeks later he asked me to have sex. 

It sounds so ridiculous but then it almost turns predatory, because you quickly realize that the words of forgiveness and the so called 'respect' he had was just more of a big lie because he couldn't control the fact that he haves a fetish for queer persons who are specifically like me.

it was a bit sickening to hear what he thought of me and all, but instead of running away I kept myself talking to him because I am a bit of a attention whore and it was quite funny to entertain the idea of what an individual thought of me in that demeaning way, almost. To talk with someone who only saw me like a object of lust to throw away after quick use. And the worst part is that maybe I would crave it, deep inside me, wouldn't it? To sate a feeling. 

Allowing myself to candidly get used for the taking, of course things that didn't happen, but then I eventually see others, find other tension, and between it I am suddenly allowing to be rosed and even touched. I found something funny about my psychology; Whenever it comes to receiving a kiss, it made me so nervous it triggered possible taints of trauma, defensiveness, and then, I didn't allow anything to happen, trying to act cool and simultaneously locking myself entirely away.

But in a way, I was still used, wasn't I?

Because I entertained those thoughts and gave more fuel and food to those entities who seem to only want of me the mere concept of my identity which is loosely defined by quite a few labels of them all. And it was exactly like the story that has been told, never because of interest, but always forced because of the desperation of others. It almost feels like they're really just super horny enough to really take out their actual kinks and admit they're probably closeted bisexuals, but once they have finally gotten their satisfaction or maybe orgasm or anything they just deflect down into regret and then it's suddenly something like 'oh sorry i already came so forget everything i wrote i forgot i find you fucking disgusting haha' 

So in the end i still got thrown around and I don't even mind it, I go past it and try to ignore it or make it pass off as something usual and stupid. I can not have enough motive to care about anything going around. And then play into it, just being leered at around; not only from a predatory perspective like that, but just generally by others and any other given situation like that, i guess i could say i'm messy 

I know that I am that type, of a bit of a phenomenon 

I suppose i kinda got the clarity of the situation when that classmate who told me the most objectifying and fetishizing shit abt my existence suddenly popped up with a girlfriend, which is, at the least, pretty worrying to me. I am pretty worried for the girl who is now his partner because he's the type of person to be severely immature, fake and superficial. 

After all, what can you expect of a gym bro rat who only did gym for his ego and since he's super muscular now he believes he's superior than everyone else and that looks are the only thing that matter?

But well, I guess that then in my head, I was just the object of usage to let out his tension, and then he would go for his real romantic option. Or something like that. It's not like it's anything new... 

Keep tugging and keep pulling at me, I'll just move through it like sea waves and ignore all like nothing's going on, I'll have my fortress all around me to never let it get beyond objectifying imagination 

Because I already felt like I was very used

I have a headache and my stomach hurts fuuuuuuuuuuuck 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpbHdIrtpNo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpbHdIrtpNov=QpbHdIrtpNo