5/18/2025, 4:45PM - my problems with writing

! this entry mentions nsfw topics but it doesnt go into any graphic details !

it is also very tmi

so i am a writer. im not trying to do it professionally, i do it for fun. i rarely share my stuff with anyone unless its something very specific/niche. ive been writing for half of my life, and when i first began most of the stuff i was writing was really cringe smutty fanfiction. most of the stuff i write is fanfiction, and i am okay with that. i like to write smut because its fun exploring ideas and it can be a fun tool for character studies as well. i didnt really have a problem writing smut until, like, 2 years ago. before that, i was able to write smut perfectly fine, i could bang out a sex scene in less than a day probably, but now for some reason i just cant?

like, i can write everything leading up to a sex scene, but i cant write the actual sex itself? and im trying to figure out why that is, so im here writing this blog to try and analyze my thoughts. my first thought about why i could have trouble writing smut is because of the age old reason of being ashamed by that kind of stuff. but, heres the kicker, i do not share any of my smut works with anyone. ever. some of them may be character studies, but most of them are because i want to project my kinks onto the characters im writing. now am i ashamed of the kinks i have? not necessarily, since i am on the ace spectrum and i know i wont ever be exploring those kinks with another person. i dont talk about my kinks to other people either, so i dont know why i would be ashamed of them if theyre a strictly private thing that nobody else will ever know about.  

now, the thing about me not being able to write a full sex scene up until 2 years ago. when me and my ex were still together, i would share my smut with them, because i trusted they wouldnt be malicious about it, and i also figured we would be together for the rest of our lives (young love, eh?). they were very supportive and enthusiastic about me sharing that stuff with them, and theyd even pester me about the writing progress and when they could continue reading them. it made me feel good to have someone care about that stuff, since i treat my writing like its a very important extension of myself. then, my ex broke up with me. the first thing i did after that? i went back in our chat logs and deleted any trace of my writing i had sent to them, THEN deleted my nudes. my writing to me was more important than, yknow, private photographs that could be used to assassinate my character.

to me, its almost like our breakup is the entire reason i cant write smut anymore, even though my ex never said anything negative about my writing, it wasnt even involved in the reason they left me. maybe some part of my brain associates smut with heartbreak or pain? its not that i dont want to write smut anymore, i do want to write it because its awesome, and my writing style has changed so much since the last time i wrote a full smut fic. its just, whenever i finish writing the foreplay and get down to taking the characters clothes off, i cant write anything beyond that.

maybe since im projecting onto characters most of the time, after my breakup, ive been very reluctant to be open with anyone about my feelings (ive been better about doing it as of recently, so yay), and writing two characters being not only very open with each other, but also just fully naked and vulnerable with one another is possibly hard now, because i was naked and vulnerable with someone who betrayed me, and it really fucked with my head. so, maybe i cant write smut because im afraid that if someone i love reads it theyre going to abandon me, even though my ex didnt leave me because of that, and i also dont want to share my smut fics with anyone and i solely write them for myself. so, thats a stupid reason.

i feel like its because of shame, but at the same time i dont feel ashamed about this stuff? i dont know how to describe it. im not ashamed of my kinks, im not ashamed of having a sex drive, im not ashamed of my writing style, im not ashamed of the stuff i want to write, and im not ashamed by any of the stuff i have previously written. but at its core, this feels like an issue with shame? im freaky and im proud. 

but maybe whats the point in being a freak if i cant share that with someone? i dont really want to share it with anyone, for previous reasons mentioned, but also i dont feel the need to do so. im okay with being a lonely freak, because i know what i like, and i know the intricacies of it. so, thats also a stupid reason. 

i cant think of any reason i cant write smut other than shame, but i dont feel ashamed. this is frustrating.

welp. im gonna go try to write some smut. goodbye blog