And what I have become, is nothing.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with my life? 

I was born into this family that gave me cold empty love that I learned to crave.

And when i realized it was empty, it tore my stomach open and all my guts fell out.

I pushed and shoved my insides between my ribs, and it when pieces of me kept falling out, I trudged on anyways.

I needed to figure out what this was all for. I needed to figure out what the reason was for my bad cards, for my karma in this life. Was I sinful in the last one? Was I destined for this regardless of my past? I needed an answer, I craved it, I begged for it on my hands and knees until I couldn't even stand anymore.

Until everything inside me was gone.

But now that I've grown up a little more, I kind of... scoff at myself.

Not because I was a cringey, edgy little tween. Okay, well, not entirely.

I scoff because it was stupid. It was all stupid. It was stupid of me to hope there was a reason. Because there was, somewhere within the dirt and glass shards, there was a reason. I could spend my whole life dissecting it, but that's not the point!

The point is that it doesn't make me feel better.

Explanations don't make me feel better. Explanations aren't justification, so did I really just deserve this, Lucas?

There's nothing inside of me now. Between my ribs are the remains of what was, all shriveled up, slowly withering away. I stood up again, and again, and again, fuck, you don't know how hard I tried!

But by the time all the help comes rolling around, that's when I've remembered it's pointless.

I don't have anyone. I cherish the memories of who they were, even if they make me miserable now. I don't have a future- Not a good one. I don't have anything I want to do anymore. No career, no goals, no education, no friends, nothing except this house where nothing is even mine. 

Misery and memories I cling to, I try to convince myself anything that was wrong wasn't real and you know what's even worse? A part of me is still that fucking idealistic kid, the one that desperately needs a reason, even though through the dust and swirling in my head there will never be one!

But I need one! I want to believe there was a greater cause! I want to believe that there's a good reason I've become what I have! I want to believe that we really are great siblings deep down, I feel like the kid that you ran away from all those years ago! 

And now everyone, fucking everyone is running away from me! It's not even running away, it's just moving on, growing up, becoming successful! But I'll never have any of that, I don't want any of this anymore, I just want it to be over. I just want this to be over.

I want a reason, I want a clear cut reason, I want something that I'll never get and I've let it destroy me.

But even though it's all empty now, even though there is nothing left, I keep trudging on, looking for a reason, begging for a reason, so maybe I could understand why you turned me into this. Why you took away all of me. Why you split open my chest and let my will leak out, why you pushed me down until I couldn't care enough to stand up anymore and made my home on the cold floor, why you've pretended it didn't happen, why you've moved on and my world has been broken for a long time.

I don't think I'll ever get a reason. Not one that makes me feel any better.

What you did was just that unjustifiable, I guess.