my mental illness is embarrassing

im what the kids these days call a "disorder salad" and im genuinely so ashamed of it. it's like... genuinely the most dreadful experience to know i cant function normally and probably never will, am constantly relying on the care of others, etc. im entirely professionally diagnosed (psychiatrist + 3 therapists). idk. one of my main diagnoses is DID. and i dont rlly like talking abt it bc ppl generalize me as ableist when i talk abt how ppl approach this disorder in online mental health spaces. i used to be pretty loud abt it bc... i thought that was rlly the only way to be! but i am just.. ashamed to have it. especially w the (very few) "fictives" i have. i mean, none of us rlly ID with our source. as in, we may share a name, though internally do not present visually as them, or just simply perceive ourselves as entirely separate entities. which is what's encouraged in a medical setting, btw. 

i might get shit for this but i dont care. i dont think you can self diagnose DID. if you suspect you might have it, seek out a professional ASAP. it is generally just unwise to start presenting urself as if u have it with no professional intervention bc if u DONT end up having it, ur just going to exacerbate symptoms of whatever u do have. if that makes sense. like, theres so much overlap bc it's a dissociative disorder. all trauma disorders involve dissociation to some degree. cptsd and bpd both involve "splitting" to some function. etc. a lot of people online self diagnosing this disorder do not have it. sorry! they do not seem to fall under any legitimate symptoms, and the "fun symptoms" like alters of fictional characters are exaggerated beyond belief (dont even get me started on source memories lol). like no, you did not split the entire cast of hazbin hotel, u are roleplaying. and im not saying these people arent mentally ill, u kinda have to be mentally ill to some extent to convince urself that this is ur reality. but that doesnt mean it's DID. 

ppl love to excuse their "portrayal" of this disorder not aligning with the DSM-5 bc it's under-researched, which is a total cop-out. idk. this was a lot more long winded then i initially wanted it to be. this is all to say that being diagnosed with DID post-2019 is just a really embarrassing feeling bc of how this disorder has become sensationalized online. i dont like telling ppl abt it. i feel like this is the one space i can talk abt it without getting jumped (outside of my inner circles ofc). i wish i could be more open about it, im really into advocacy! i like teaching people things and educating them on important subjects! but the current environment in mental health spaces is just... not something i want to associate myself with ya feel me? 

and, while i do feel immense shame, i am simultaneously very comfortable(?) with my diagnosis. ive come to terms with it. it's hard, that's not me saying i like it, but im functioning well enough as-is (i have a great support system presently thank god). i was ""medically recognized"" at 19 by my therapist, had that reviewed by 2 other therapists, and then finally got an appt with a psychiatrist for an official dx... i think a year ago? idk memory things. i was def 20, thats all i know. i rlly was convinced he was gonna tell me that my story makes no sense, and that it's probably not DID, but in the end he was like "yeah ur pretty much a textbook case" (paraphrasing). ngl i do not remember much of the session. bc technically i wasnt there!! 

btw. im not looking to argue abt anything. im just rambling abt my thoughts. and im begging and pleading pls do not scream at me in the comments. take it somewhere else, genuinely, reddit has whole ass communities built around this stuff lmao. 

might introduce alters/parts/whatever in the future. some of us are a lot more "loud and proud" than others. generally, we perceive ourselves as a single entity/a fractured whole. there's differentiating between parts, yes, because that is the nature of the disorder, but we are attempting to become more unified as our therapy progresses.