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i feel like im trying so hard to be my childhood hero. not even in a nice emotional way like im trying to be the person my kid self lacked, i mean im trying so hard to become everything that i idolised when i was a kid. and there's so many different aspects of all of that already, but im chasing all these dreams that feel so illusive to me. like no matter how much of these dreams i come to grasp ill never be let in, i'll never really be able to assimilate. i have been failing at all my diy's this week which is making me feel so gross. its just like my hands have turned against me, finally completely and totally rebelling against anything i try and create. and through all the hobbies im trying to pick up, these things ive been slowly pushing myself to dive into, the more i fail at them, the more i fail at making music or skating or being a cool tech girl, the more i realise how much im missing just at the core of myself. the basic building blocks of the person ive always wanted to be arent even there. i cant look in the mirror and see someone that i want to be, or someone that my girlfriend should like, or someone that should be chosen out of the billions of people alive. and i just want to feel like im me in her arms. i just to feel like i have her and me in a bubble and things are going to be okay.