5/16/2025

Well. Been a minute as always, huh? To say I am not in a state of hurt right now would be a lie. I don't really know how to go about it as I have barely even processed it myself. I feel split, like two entirely different people. On one half of me, I am doing wonderfully! I feel happy in my relationship and secure. I feel alright about having a little more weight than I am used to on me. I feel happy to finally have some friends that seem to genuinely care for me. I feel in some capacity at least a little put together. Some days, I feel okay. On the other side, however, it's just broken. Soul-crushing. Everything aches in me and there is a heavy weight on my chest I can never seem to get rid of even on the good days. I find myself sleeping my days away to avoid having to feel it. I cry so hard sometimes that my eyes begin to burn. I feel betrayed and absolutely ruined by the one person in my life who I am supposed to never feel that way towards. It is like my grief has manifested a part of me into someone I can't even recognize. I hate myself for being as emotional as I am, but I am entitled to it. At this point, a lot of the pain has begin to turn into static. I am beginning to learn to feel let down or hurt, and while I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way in a relationship, I am not going to leave him. I hate myself for preaching to myself that I am healing and would never do anything to hurt myself again when I feel as if I am putting myself in such an incredibly vulnerable place to be. The amount of love and care I have for this man is putting me in turmoil. I have uprooted my life for him, moving in with him and trying to find the best way to adapt my life into his while still maintaining my own- to find out he could almost throw it all away. I think what still burns into me is he looked me in my eyes and played dumb. He acted like he had no idea I found out about her. I hate that he did that, and I hate that there was no other reason that "I could." I wish I had did something, so I could have something to equate a reason for it...but no, he did it because, "there was no reason. I just could." 

Flip to today, and I get a text from an entirely separate girl and get angry at him. I only tell him "fuck you!" and "who is ____?" and excuse myself so it could simmer back into static. I have quickly learned in finding things out about him or about what he does to me, if I sit only a little longer then it all fades into this coldness. The burning pit turns into an all-over sensation of just...acceptance. I give up. I feel maybe after his explanation I should apologize, but I feel valid in my hurt and think that he should be the one to come comfort me. He never was good at that though, so to expect that is ridiculous. I simply accept it. We haven't spoke for hours, and I am fixing to go to bed. Maybe I will write more tomorrow as I am just becoming more drained as I type. 

Je t'aime plus que je ne m'aime moi-même et le fait que tu me fasses ça me fait te détester. Je déteste te détester.