11:14pm. 18th Feb,2025. Thursday.

To K,

My nana died some time ago. I am not sure about the exact date but it was probably on 15th January. He had been dying for a long long time now. Since the day my nani died,his soul had started to rot inside him,it's just that his body started to detoriate recently after his mind could no longer hold his shallow will to live.On the day of his death,I grieved.I cried my eyes out. I had been praying for his death for some time now.The look of his hollow eyes were unbearable for me.The gradual degradation of his body fueled by his unwillingness to live,it made me feel some sort of indescribable anguish,a form of anger that was unrecognisable to me.I did not want him to die out of contempt,but because it felt like the only kind of relief that could comfort him anymore,as if it would be some sort of salvation for him.I was not particularly fond of him,neither did I ever love him very deeply . He was just there,at the backstage of my life he was just present somewhere.The last time I had ever met him was back in the beginning of summer 2022.Before then I used to hate him for the way he had always treated nani.To be honest,at that time I used to hate myself more than anyone else I had ever known.On the day when I was supposed to return back home, during the very last moments before leaving that house,I had greeted him and took his blessings and said goodbye to him.But,just as I was about to leave, a bottomless sense of loss started welling up inside me from the pit of my stomach,and soon my eyes started to become hazy,I was brimming with tears.I ran back towards my nana and hugged him and I could feel him hugging me back and I was able to sense an essence of guilt and grief from the touch of his fingertips brushing against my back.I don't remember it very clearly but as far as my memory serves me,he had shed a few tears as well.During the entirety of my stay with him,him and I had ever so scarcely exchanged a few words. He was unable to meet anyone's gaze.He used to keep himself engrossed with religious books, rereading the same scriptures,same texts again and again. He tried all he could to avoid any possibility of social connections, atleast as much as much as humanly achievable,and I must say he did succeed in his endeavour. That hug was the first and the last act of vulnerability,and shared warmth,and maybe even love between us.

Ps: I had written this letter to someone that I used to know but no longer had any contact with and I guess I've put it out here because maybe I feel guilty about having felt this way and this kind of feels like a confession?anyways good night 🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️