idk whats going on

so i have a bsf im not gonna say her name so lets just call her lemon. i love her so much, more than everything in my life, and i have no other friends beside her. but she does, she has many many friends and sometimes i feel like they are my friends too but then i realise they are probably only interested in her and im just here cause im with lemon and they cant tell me to leave them alone. and i know that i shouldnt be mad or sad because of that, because its my fault that im a fucking loser and she is popular and has friends, what is totally normal, but i sometimes wish she woudlnt. i wish she would only care about me and me only. and like i have a bad half and a good half, i call my bad half vene and good half nene, i know its childish but i feel like if i blame my problems on vene then i dont feel that miserable. so yeah vene tells me that lemon desnt guve me what i deserve and that i need better, and then there is nene telling me that thats a lie cause nobody will be able to give me all of their attention, its just not possible. but i feel so bad. i sometimes feel so low i cant even move. im just laying and thinking what did i do to deserve this. i cant even feel fully happy anymore. i want to know whts the problem with me.

oh and one more thing, between me and lemon its so fxcking confusing cause THIS ISNT CASUAL GUYS i flirt with her and she flirts back, we hold hands, stare at each other and i even have a sims world where we have a daughter. btw its wlw so yeah and her parents wouldnt even accept if we would get together.

but im really afraid that if i confess it turns out shewas just joking so yeah.