Journal #55

I want to start my career already. However, my only options are to do remote work or to move somewhere like San Francisco, which I'm okay with. Me and Boyfriend spoke once about moving to San Fran and living cheap in a little boat off the docks. People rent them out for less than $200/month and living somewhere like that while I go to work would be lovely. But I want to live with him more than anything and everything he's working on is here or in Mexico. I'm going to try to find remote work for now, but what do I do if it boils down to moving? I'll have to stay here and keep working retail, which is fine now, but I don't want to do that for the next few years of my life. I want to spend at most 2 years here which is probably such a short amount of time, but I can't waste what I worked hard in school on. 

My other option is to keep working on personal writing projects and just pray to the goddess of luck that it becomes successful out of the millions of other submissions book publishers have got. I'll have to work with a large company, not a vanity company if I want to make money, but as a start I might just take a risk and save up to do it. 

I suppose there's also the matter of Boyfriend's business. He's been working so damn hard at it all this time, I want it to succeed. That's what I'm doing this for. To help him succeed. Give us some money for supplies or even just experiences while he gets this thing off the ground. I'm so proud of him for following his dreams. I want both of us to succeed together. I want that more than anything. 

I'm still afraid to talk to him about the future even though I know I need to. It's more important than ever now, I think. Especially because he's in a similar predicament as me at the moment just trying to figure out his next step. I don't know. I'm scared he'll laugh in my face if I suggest moving in together someday. It would break my heart into a million pieces. I would never recover. I wouldn't know what to do. I know I also want to live in Mexico with him. Either in Merida or Mexico City, but rent's cheap in Mexico City and we both love it there. But then it's a matter of me learning Spanish and getting my citizenship which I'm still working on both of those things. 

I just want this to work out. If it means I have to work retail for longer than I'd like, then that's fine. I just want me and him to be together in the end more than I've wanted anything else in my whole life. I just wish I could tell him and I wasn't such an idiot.