i am still unmoving

recently i tried lowering my screentime to 3ish hours, its been four days (i'm struggling)

every time i have a day off i'm forced to sit with myself & remember everything i am not.

i clean my space just to find old hobbies i could not keep up with, projects i kept procrastinating, & the self image of my mere existence that has slowly decayed into nothing.

the overwhelming sense of unmoving goals keeps staring at me.

there is genuinely, not a single thing, i am proud to have done this past decade. 

my teenage years slipped though my fingers and i'm left carrying the weight of disappointment my family & friends have in me.

but i am not that important anyway.

i just simply failed myself, and continue to do so,

i sit and think. the world in my mind is immensely different than the world i have created for myself.

i know i'm well enough to help myself but why haven't i?