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it’s 5 o’clock in the evening
life, once again, lacks its meaning
trying to live a life
has left my eyes
appearing completely drained
i could force bedtime to come closer, but that wouldn’t change a thing
i am exhausted without a doubt
as i feel the one meal i will eat today thrash about
my stomach throws its daily fit
how i wish for it to please stop it
that’s not true. it’s a reassuring feeling
i stare at my ceiling
hoping this will be the thing to make me happy
with my overwhelming emotions, i don’t know what’s happening
i feel i’ll explode. it’s all so maddening
it’s never bad enough. it can always be worse
that’s the beauty of life and its damning curse
it’s time to begin phase 2: coping with aggression
nothing’s safe at my disposal as i grab panically at anything for regulation
it’s okay. no one is near
i wouldn’t be surprised if my safe spaces began to cower in fear
i am sure i appear
unstable to some degree
however, i wish they wouldn’t fear me
when life felt intolerable at times
i forced my brain to transcend the mind
i hopped on a game
and i roleplayed
alone, i took screenshots to capture every perfect frame
hoping i could return to that time and that the feelings would remain
memories will never remember, only photos. photos are the only way
it’s not a memory; it’s a collection of objects, atoms, or pixels contained
who am i if i cannot view my life through a screen?
memories are fleeting, so i will allow the cloud to perform my needs
it’s sad because my mind is blank so much of the time
it’s especially blank today. despite my fingers moving, attempting to type
no activity is taking place
i know i am writing, but everything feels deeply fake
when i think things won’t get worse
they always do. that’s the beauty of life and its damning curse
i’m not trying to be a downer. only life’s got me down
i get better then worse. it feels like i’m stuck going around
around and around
it’s the rotting merry-go-round.
the mold
it grows
it weakens my bones
i’m cold
this show
has lost all its meaning
i wanted something special, but the overall experience is demeaning
it shames
and blames me for all i have done
can we stop this run?
i’m not having any fun
i only wish to get better, but i keep getting worse
that’s the beauty of life and its damning curse
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francis, fran
this reminds me of a thought i had recently:
there are some basic principles of game design that are needed for the game to be enjoyable. or at least, engaging enough for people to not want to stop playing.
real life seems to betray all of those rules:
core mechanics of life are cruel
players can be insanely unbalanced and also dickheads
difficulty is often random, arbitrary, and excessive
no matter what you do every outcome is bad
...
it is no wonder that life has no meaning. all you can do is move around circles because you're just softlocked by default. it's poor design.
i think there's a little more to things than that but this is kind of what it feels like all the time
i like that you were reminded of such a cool comparison. this is very interesting. it seems like the appeal of video games is in them not resembling real life.
something you said that stood out to me was, "no matter what you do every outcome is bad." i know you acknowledge what i'm about to say, but i'd like to write it out in hopes you see the many sides that make up life's circle. how i am currently viewing things is despite it's appearance, the circle isn't a circle. it contains so many angles that we cannot comprehend at a glance. the further we look, the more we see.
going by the statement alone, i would like to argue there can be good outcomes from decisions. it could be argued that the "final outcome" is bad, but i'm not so sure of that. i don't think life's value can be captured and understood so easily. it is too complex, as you said.
i hate to say it, but it really is all about perspective in some/many cases. it may feel like every day is comprised of recycled moments, but that is not possible. every day is different. there is always variation, whether we choose to focus on it or not. i think the issue lies in trying to play the game instead of trying to understand the computer, console, wires, etc. that lie outside of it. if you play the game and only the game, you can only see the game. i don't know if that makes sense. i haven't fleshed this out, but i hope you can see the vague illustration i am attempting to paint.
by magilon; ; Report
francis, fran
i liked reading this. but then i remembered that it was you who wrote this and i was a bit sad.
"when life felt intolerable at times / i forced my brain to transcend the mind / i hopped on a game / and i roleplayed" made me kinda laugh. an oddly good way of describing videogames... forcing neurochemical joy over the bleach wash of meaningless.
haha! i'm glad you found that part comedic! i do feel bad for making you a little sad, though...
by magilon; ; Report