Wednesday May 14th

Sometimes I miss how my brain was pre therapy before I was crucially aware of everything that was going on inside of my head. Is it the medications that are making my brain worse? Or is it because this job has become the main thing of my mental anguish over the past year? 

I feel like shit right now writing this, my chest feels like it has a ton of bricks on it and heartbeat keeps fluctuating. I'm trying to slowly learn how to relax on my days off but all I can think about is having to slave away at work tomorrow. 

This week is especially rough, it's that time of the month for me and you remember that job I blogged about what...a week ago? I didn't get it. I think that's all I'll say about it. But my father was quick to remind me "You're black dear." and that was that. 

I lied I will vent about it a little bit, when I opened that email I felt helpless man...I got all dressed up, I tried to look and smell my best. I got there about 10 minutes early and tried to be on my best behavior good posture and all. They told me to my face they liked my personality an at tone point my honesty was exactly what they were looking for. All to send me an email saying that they wanted to go with another candidate. 

Sorry I'm somewhat distracted, I'm watching Berleezy play Schedule 1. He's hilarious but even I'm having trouble locking in and enjoying the video, work thought keep coming back into my head. This mental health journey shit is hard...I wonder sometimes if it's doing work but it is. I know it is. Tiffany, thats my therapist by the way, even tells me something new regarding my ADHD diagnosis that I may have RSD...You think so? 

I think my goal now is to find ways to truly relax and not be on edge all the time, I know people say leave jobs that make you feel this way but I don't have anything else an honestly? I think I'm going too take a break from the Job application process. It didn't make me question my worth but I guess potentially reaching the other side and leaving a field I hate so much was exciting, I was really looking forwards to it. 

I'm not watching Berleezy now, he was starting to get a bit too riled up for me, love him though. Now I'm listening to some One Piece calm music and ambience. Can you believe I'm on Dressrosa now? I can see the horizon of me being close to ending this anime, er catching up I mean. 

I'm considering if I should go take my dog for a walk, that was one of my goals today but with a strange heart beat right now? I don't know if thats a good idea. Maybe I'll try to take a nap, I was up playing monster hunter all morning to make some cheeky cowboy armor. I made it by the way and it looks amazing. 

You know, I may be stuck at this job, but maybe I can find a routine that helps me get through the day. Maybe in the morning I'll meditate, an try to eat some fruit and maybe a cup of tea. We will see I'll try to look online for a decent routine. I am still trying to get over peoples expectations, I love that girl but sometimes she makes my nervous system go crazy. I think I just don't want to dissapiont her. Sorry had to do some research if it was normal and it is. 

Well, since I'm gonna be stuck in this shithole for a little while longer, I guess I'll continue to be the best drummer in the world. I start back lessons again this week. May have to start from the beginning but thats okay, I'm not gonna stop this time. 

I've said I needed to journal and get all my thoughts out for a few days now and it's nice to finally do so. My new mode a work is to talk less, protect my peace and try to get through the day, what if I got a cool lucky cat for my desk...that would be cool huh. And maybe a new book to read. yeah yeah. I like the sound of that. Im itching to return to TikTok also. I love the attention. I need o get back too vtubing also but that will come when it comes. I say when I want to create. 

Also side note, L, let's call her L, girl your stress is overwhelming, you are so negative sometimes at work it drives me crazy. I lowkey wanna stop talking too you sometimes, like baby you text me today on my day off...fuck. Your school stress is a lot and I don't want to hear it anymore Im starting to not like you lowkey. Ahhh...maybe I won't mean that down the line. 

Im gonna go wash my hands in cold water after this. 

All in all, I'm still learning how to control my anxiety, I still hate my job. 

Oh shit my favorite one piece song came on, you know the one with the violins that swell in the middle, BUMMMM BUMMM BUMMMM, that one. The setting sale one, the victory one. I love that one. I want my life to sound more like that. Oda you genius. 

fuck this job. 

my brain is empty. 

goodnight.