Free Falling

My legs are bound by tape,

Not duct tape, but scotch, wrapped in tens of layers.

I'm falling, 

into

this kind of twisting pit.

Everything around me is moving too fast. Or is it that I'm moving too fast?

It's all blurry, it's all blending together and I can't keep up.

That guttural feeling when the theme park attraction shoots down, and for once in your life your stomach hits your heart, not the other way around.

I feel sick.

I feel sick, I feel like I'm rotting, and my head hurts. My neck hurts.

I feel this tightening, tightening, day in and day out, it's choking, but I've choked before, and I let it happen.

My legs try to shake, locked in place, I can't move while I fall.

And even if I could move, there is nowhere to latch onto anyways. There never was. And maybe there never will be. Maybe this twisting pit is a glass cup, and I am the spider who will give everything it has before dying in a bed of it's own creation.

I feel this dread.

This dread constantly building up inside of me.

The impact of the ground. The snapping of my bones. My guts and insides and blood and mush just splattering like a thick marinara sauce.

But that's not what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of it not working.

I'm scared that I'll have to twist and shove myself back into place again.

Hastily reconnect my broken bones, they'll never function properly again, but they're my bones and I can't change that.

I close my eyes and brace myself, because I know it will happen eventually.

Even if I free fall for years.

I might forget about it after a while, pretend I'm in a beautiful sea and the harsh winds pelting at my face is just soft beautiful water.

But that doesn't get rid of that lingering feeling within me.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe I won't ever be hit with unbearable impact.

Maybe when I get to the bottom of this pit, I'll always be just above the ground, always above, choking a little bit more when I try to put my feet down.

I keep my eyes closed, and wiggle out of the tape, but that doesn't fix anything.

All it leaves are scars on my ankles.