My friend molly

My wife and I stayed up all night talking. About love about sexuality. Telling stories and feeling close to each other.

We rented one of those dockside boat and beds for our anniversary. I had forgotten how important moments like that are for my mental health. I used to do acid and mushrooms all the time and while successive use was extremely bad for my brain health a single use brings me so much closer to the people I love.

I think that my body forgets to care about others. I think its easy for me to turn my emotions off and do what I need to do. If I hurt somebody in the process who cares. I had something more important on my mind and any unwanted consequences are just collateral damage. Not my fault or not worth my time.

There are so many things in my life that go unsaid and unapologized for. In the clarity of a binge, a bender, or a frenzy those things come to the surface. Bold and unafraid it is easy to ask forgiveness and even easier to give it.

My friend molly teaches me that when we feel bad it is because of chemicals in our brain. When we feel good we are honest and forthcoming. Feeling good is the natural state of man and that is why its shocking when you tell someone that you are depressed. 

I got food poisoning on saturday and I asked my wife if she liked taking care of me. I was anxious because sometimes I felt like a burden to her. I was anxious because I believe that its my job to be strong for her benefit. 

She told me "of course my love, I always want to take care of you"

And still I felt worried that she was lying. But I knew in that heightened state of peace and energy I would have believed her without a second thought. I would have trusted in her love and care. That gave me great comfort. I am happy again