where im at

tw gonna bring up my sh history

because i was up thinking about it all last night. i always have insomnia but this was just in overdrive. im normally even kinda happy to get extra time to just wander around through my imagination at night bc at least im not fast travelling to waking up and going to work the next day. this was me just staring at the ceiling with my ears itching and my brain on fire just torturing myself thinking about all the other timelines i could be in where things are definitely worse but also more glamorous which seems like a fair enough trade. most of what i can remember of my childhood is my daydreams or my nightmares, my daydreams used to go hard i know that, but my nightmares played a very key and severe role in the stunting of my growth into a real person. that said, my daydreams and nightmares haven't been parallel entities in my life by any means, and have in fact evolved in contrary motion to one another - im so used to such graphically terrifying nightmares that im mostly used to it by now, whereas my daydreams have gotten very confident fucking with me as ive gotten older. last night i was running like a furnace through every scenario of getting hatecrimed at work, or my girlfriend cheating on me, all my dysphorias, all things i should be doing to save more money, all the places on my body i could be carving up. customers have been commenting on my scars a lot at work, and idk maybe im stupid but the ones that are visible when i wear a tshirt are nowhere near the worst i have so im always shocked that people feel empassioned enough to comment. ive been told how my scars are disrespectful to god by a customer, and super recently just been told to straight up go to rehab. i swing so often between feeling like the scars i have arent even enough to prove that ive been through anything - and - oh ive completely destroyed my body havent i. its so hard to believe that once i was 5 years clean...and i was so sure i would never do it again...but here i am and ive never been more aware of how addicted i have actually become (its even embarassing what made me relapse...it was 2 or so months after i finally started hrt and i was an idiot and got bullied by chasers on 4chan...like actually krill myself wtf). its not really strange that people see cutting as a melodramatic cry for help, but for me and a lot of other people im sure its definitely false. as much as i think of my scars as my proof that i really have had struggles, the main reason its become such a habit for me is so i can shut myself up. its just the ultimate off switch. its the only thing ive ever had that just makey brain quiet, make my heart stop pounding, turn my tears off. it used to even help me smash assignments and study sessions when i was in uni. ive never done it so i can like...'oh what u did made me feel like this'...ive done it for the opposite reason even, just so i can put all the emotions away and not have to ask for help. 

so yeah, i am a few months clean, which is epic and i hope it stays that way...and i hope i can just maybe get some actually good sleep. i'm finally gonna start seeing a psychologist again next month and try and sort these things out, so as much as this is a morbid journal entry, im doing it because im hoping to really start closing this chapter soon.