13.05.2025 Tuesday

Started my day at 5:30 in the morning, Kase texted me their daily monster, and Amino sent me a picture of himself with a friend outside. Last night me and my friends were chatting about stupid spanish songs. Pio pio. oh, and the depressed polish cow.

Amino looks really pretty I think. I'd snuggle up to him like a cat any day. Except, I won't, because that's not normal, and people always think that it means I'll stalk them or I'm in love or something. But he's just a chill guy, one that provided a sense of stability and consistency that I had always deemed holy. Safety.

I'll definitely skip the APES exam this week. Gonna study for German instead, and take the APES makeups. May god and whatever is out there be with me. May I be with me. Don't burn out too fast, don't burn in too slow, there is a fine middle and I wouldn't know if I'm walking it.

06:36

my father walked into the kitchen. Loading the dishwasher. I hate his breathing. I can feel my blood pressure. KILL YOURSELF PLEASE!! RIGHT NOW!!!

06:46

My body is so tired. I feel it in my back. Weight and weakness. I struggle to hold myself up. How much can a proper sleep cost out here??

I'm skipping class. Flowers beside me. They're for a friend. Held up surprisingly well overnight. I turn into a sort of dog when I can do something for someone. I'll serve them and exhaust myself without realizing. Now I'm shaking. Probably sick. Haven't showered in who knows how long. My hair is really oily. I might just surrender myself to the nurses office. They'll kick me out in 40 minutes because they think I'm just skipping class for fun. No matter what I tell them.

I told them I was sleeping on wood chips once. They still made me leave. "try to go back to class", they say. I'm barely breathing. 

please, i don't even think straight.

08:23

Soybean gave me half of their monster energy drink. I feel jumpy and full of energy. This will not be good for AP German tomorrow. Im gonna get a full nights sleep, even if I have to sleep in the basement. I can do this. 

My skin is getting darker and warmer in shade. An opprotunity for skin cancer, or a neat tan? hell knows at this point. Im concerned about my energy levels. Maybe, as long as I eat a lot, sleep a lot, drink a lot of water, and pretend I am safe, ill wake up capable.

14:04

ich hat getrunken. schlaf gut, leute.