12/05/25 // trauma, therapy, whtvr // kinda just venting sry

my therapist asked me what i had been watching lately and i ended up going on a half hour rant abt the "dire wolf" clones and genetic archeology to her 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

productive session tho otherwise.

i dont rlly like getting too personal publicly these days. im very much a hermit online in my own lil cavern, but shits been rough. to put it lightly. had some not-so-pleasant sexual abuse memories come to light involving someone who was, once, very near and dear to me so ive just been kinda shaken up and on auto-pilot lately. idk i just. needed to share it somewhere. havent been able to sleep properly for liek a week now? idk. i havent slept since yesterday and i dont rlly even feel tired. not been eating, either, which is kind of feeding into my negative body image bc i am losing the (minimal) weight i gained from being on antipsychotics lol. like ouuuuu im snatched! i need to start regularly working out but every time i commit to a routine these days i get a wrench like this thrown into it and im just -.- i want to give up all together and rot forever in my bed. kind of. not really. but u get the sentiment. havent been drawing either which sucks bc i have an outstanding commish on animaljam (thankfully... the commissioner has not been online lately.... nor have they paid me yet bc i knew something like this would happen In My Gut so, against my norm, i told them they could pay upon completion). havent rlly been talking to anyone, either. which i feel bad abt. i dont like ghosting ppl but sometimes i striaght up cannot even muster the energy to text a single thing and devolve into mindlessly doomscrolling on whatever social media app is at my immediate disposal. im becoming what i hate bro. i love been an active person and just doing things, but not lately. my mom keeps telling me it's normal for someone going thru emdr to deal w shit like this but it doesnt rlly help i just feel like a fucking bum. especially since i had 2 drop my chem course bro. which, im stuill bummed abt, but im glad that i was sick enough to do it bc idk if i would survive school with these memories resurfacing. i keep retreating to these rlly absurd daydreams where im cool and badass and i have my life together. i cook, clean the house, have my own office space and art studio. it's nice to just pretend for a bit sometimes. even if that is absurdly pathetic of me. like i have all the tools to create the life i want but im nonfunctional. ugh. it sucks. hopefully im back on my feet soon... i miss my productivity and hobbies.