i am so autistic

delayed auditory and emotional processing

sensory overload

"heightened emotional responses"

alexithymia

starting fights and not realizing im in a fight until the very end when the person im fighting with starts screaming at me and im like yo what just happened here i thought we were talking and all of a sudden i ruined new years eve again 

(and brian is taking a cold shower because i accidentally called him a sissy when he didnt say something to the man on the street who called his girlfriend a bitch and then when i said what did u say and turned around he kept being like cmon cmon guyz letz juzt jo>< and im like u have a gun????i thot u were big tough man? and then he cried? like how am i in the wrong??? idgaf if its new years it just happened and this is very clear black and white conflict resolution to me and it came to my mind thats why i said it)

i dont understand whats inappropriate about posting the songs ive been listening to on my spotify account post breakup? just because im listening to those songs doesnt mean im talking directly to you???? at first and then it seemed to be call and answer but ambiguity black cloud black cloud i guess we are talking?? no i dont want u here. LEAVE. so i block u and ur girlfriend too so i can cope in peace and use my spotify as a way to check in with how im feeling. i update it like a blog. im not embarrassed about my taste or my lack of stable identity and im not nervous with how im portraying myself. it has to be just right to my eyes for me to be satisfied im looking for that ooooh ahhh in my brain when i can finally get it right i want to see all of the possibilities and i have fuck else to do all my friends left me because im autistic methamphetamine im studying my discography. if you havent noticed i have cheesecake brain theres holes where there should be proof of life. im meeting myself. how am i supposed to know myself if i cant tell you about my favorite bands. im want to engage with life. let free all of the feelings i have been hiding. i folded the laundry so tight and clean i put my panties in the cup board

i feel like cup board has to be one of those words if you say it with a difference emphasis on different parts its sounds like another word or phrase. i always hated that word it never made sense to me cup board cup bored cut bird 

there it is.

also im convinced that im going to be a star and if k would jsut listen to me we could start a band but every time i want to play karaoke he pretends he doesnt hear me

hell see.

/