is it really love if you only love me when i pretend to be happy?

Maybe the girlhood was the autism we made along the way...

Haha, anyone hear that ominous depression creeping back in? Anyways, I tend to feel 10% better after I shower, so I'm brushing my hair out right now.

Whenever I'm sad I tend to think "What can I do to feel 10% better?" and I just do that.

Or if I'm on my phone too much, I put it somewhere forgettable and it pushes me to do something else.

Hey wouldn't ya know, I've been practicing good habits and coping mechanisms!!!

But damn, I knew it would come back. It's like the recurring character that shows up one episode a season. I knew it. Like, one way or another it would return. Maybe because nothing is happening, or maybe I've thought about things for too long. Regardless, I could very well slip into another episode at this rate!!! Hahahaha maybe I've been in one long depression this whole time!!! The GREAT depression, if you will.

Well, that's just why it's never off the table. 
No matter what.

Even if I feel a lot better, I know by now it's best not to get my hopes up for anything.

And the times I have declared it's off the table, I later laugh at myself, a fool for thinking such things.

It'll never go away.

It's just a part of me. A sickeningly tempting, sweet, yet terrifying part of me.

And maybe it's fine that it's a part of me, but it'll be the cause of the end anyways.

But still! Gonna brush my hair and take a shower and start a late day!