ᯓ★5.10.25

it's difficult to be content today. i did everything i wanted to do on my day off of work: i wrote a little bit, i took a walk, i ate some good food, i bought some trinkets. but it's graduation weekend, and my city is filled with grads having parties and celebrating with friends. i had the option to drive up to see my mom for mother's day, but that would have been even more depressing because when i'm there, all i want is to come back home. on my walk, i saw a lot of people. one person smiled back at me, and that was a houseless man asking for anything i could give him, which i did of course. i think it is especially rude to stonewall houseless people, obviously, but i see pretty much everyone do the same to everyone else that they don't already know. i guess in a weird way i also feel guilty for not going out of my way to interact with strangers more, but i don't know how to get past the first thirty rejections to get to one person who reciprocates in a normal way. by "rejections" i mean the forced smile back and the rush to leave, the wary gaze at you like you've said something weird, or being straight up ignored. the more i think about it, the more i know i would go nuts if i didn't have my job to interact at, because feeling so isolated even around a dozen people like this constantly would absolutely make anyone go nuts. unless you're a mega introvert like that.

you know, when i imagined my 20s, i imagined a huge friend group. a lot of people did, i know, it's a movie thing, i know, its all exaggerated, i know! but some people do genuinely have that. i had a few friends and a boyfriend after high school. when i moved away, or those friends moved away, and i broke up with said boyfriend, i wasn't left with much. i got a new boyfriend, i didn't make any new friends. i love my current friends to death, but it's like i'm standing right next to them, yet they're far away. of course, physically, we are only far away. they're accessible through the phone just like i am, but the difference is that i'm not doing anything else. i respond at the first ding of a message, my favorite hobbies involve being online in some capacity, so i hardly ever miss those notifications. maybe that's my problem, but again, real life is so unsatisfactory. and i felt really good, really at peace when i just sat next to the lake, staring at the ducks and breathing in the fresh air. i like being alone, i like being off of my phone. but the number one thing on my mind was: i gotta find people who are like me. i want people around.

it makes me think i'm broken, i guess. in school, i had no trouble making friends. and well, once i was out of school, it became obvious that those friends made me their friend, i didn't make them my friend, if that makes sense. and it's been that way my whole life. it's just never felt like anyone else wants me to choose them, and i'm always waiting around for someone to choose me. i've done the bff bumble thing, which felt pathetic until i hung out with a few cool people (who didn't make further plans to hang out again), and i've joined classes for a smattering of hobbies and tried to be friendly there, but i think my version of friendly comes off badly? or maybe i'm thinking too much and not trying hard enough, and all i know how to do is complain! that also makes sense.

this really is sounding like a green text post now. but really this is my spot for complaining, so its fine. i think the real problem is i'm boring. i would rather sit in my room writing fanfiction than go to a concert (real, actual thing that happened this weekend) because i'm just a tired person. i get anxious easily, i overthink everything i say even to my closest friends, and i obviously have low self esteem.

i think maybe some medication and therapy could help. so it's just my luck that i live in america (healthcare warzone).