Shame

I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted that to happen. So why is it still happening to me.

I've gotten used to so much. His touches, his demeaning comments, his demands, the stains.

But the fact that people might know now is pushing me closer to the edge, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I haven't been taking my medications, I thought I was numb enough to handle it. Why do I joke with him like its no big deal, why do I allow so much to happen to me now. I should have never said it was okay when he apologized, I should have never lied, I should have said no.

I have said no. I've said no but his ignorance is unmeasurable. Hearing people talk about me so casually, like I'm some sort of whore, an object, just nothing. Its too much. Why cant he just leave, why does he insist on coming in here, why does he insist on touching me so bad.

I just want to be left alone. I've become used to so much but why is it never enough. I cant complain, I feel selfish. I am selfish. Is it my fault for letting it happen?

I always thought that it would never happen to me, I had deemed myself too ugly but here I am.

I don't think I can call myself a victim anymore. I dont know if i could ever call myself a victim. I feel at fault for what he's doing, for what he's done, and for what he might do in the future.

I need somebody to know, I need somebody to help but where will i go? Theres nothing here for me.