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Whelp, my Fiancé ( who is a nurse, and has well rounded knowledge on mental health ) helped me figure out that I might have "Anti-Social Personality Disorder"..
She told me not to put a label on it, as I don't have a formal diagnosis, but let me know that I do exhibit a lot of the signs..
If I could afford to get properly tested, I fucking would. But everything makes so much sense and there have been so, so, so many signs over the years.
Mainly, I have a VISCERAL reaction to people trying to know me and hang out with me in person.
And it's not that I CAN'T be around people without having to be drunk or in same way have distance in order to get used to said person…but it does help.
I am so many flavors of trauma coded, but fucking hell I still freak out when people try to hug me. Like, why are you touching me…with your hands..
Human contact…is a problem. Can't let people touch me. But apparently my ass is touch starved and desperately wants to be held…
…yet on the flip if you touch me I will force feed someone their kneecaps.
I really don't know how to handle affection, yet I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever had in my 33 years on this fucking planet.
…and it disturbs my Fiancé too. She's just as traumatized.
We're both trying to figure out how this works, yet she is the more well adjusted one of the two of us…while my maladjusted ass freaks the moment she does something nice for me.
I'm so stressed, but well cared for.
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