reassurement

i wouldn't want to come off as insensitive, or an attention seeker, but i wanted to get this out of my chest somehow. i know it's kind of stupid to use my page as a diary, but i don't really have anyone else to talk to. there wasn't a day when i doubted my feelings towards my boyfriend in the last two years. it feels so weird. two whole years. i'm glad i spent them with him. but i sometimes doubt his feelings. i know it's kind of hurtful to say such a thing, especially when you know the person you're with is obviously trying. but sometimes i find myself wondering if he really likes me, or if i'm just a replacement for his ex. it's kind of embarrassing. he used to talk about her so often when we were just friends. thanks to my memory, i can't really forget anything. i even remember her name. even a few days after we confessed, he texted me one night, saying how much he misses her and how he still listens to the audios she left. it made me feel sick to my stomach. because i really believed him when he said that he liked me. you know that feeling in your chest, the one you get when you just give up on everything. it's such an ugly feeling. it made me feel like my heart got stabbed over and over. i still remember how disappointed i felt. not with him, with myself. how i let myself get treated as such. that night, after i confronted him about it, he blocked me. it hurt, but i decided not to do anything. even after we got back together, i couldn't bring myself to talk about it because of how scared i was. i didn't want to make it about myself when he was already struggling. he was already dealing with so much, and i wanted to be there for him, not make it worse. i wanted him to feel safe with me, i still do. i wanted him to be happy. but my mental state isn't the healthiest either. i'm obsessive-compulsive, which makes it almost impossible to stop thinking about something after it enters your mind.  whenever i thought of it, it felt like a thousand voices were talking in my mind, telling me how i must be a replacement. it felt punishing, in a way. i wanted to avoid talking about it to him. because i was scared to death. i didn't want to trigger anything. he really is my everything. not because he's the only one i have, but because he is the only one i want. if i could take all of his pain somehow, i would, without a doubt. because despite everything, i felt like he loved me too. but i wanted to talk about, more than anything else. i wanted just one word of reassurement. that such a thing couldn't be the case anymore. to my disappointment, we had a really hurtful fight the night i talked to him about it. it wasn't actually a fight. rather him telling me not to bring it up, and me kind of begging for reassurement. i don't blame him. i never did. i never will. maybe that's my problem. maybe if i blamed him once, it wouldn't happen. but i didn't. and i don't think i will. at the end of the night, he began not answering my texts or calls. i'm still angry at him for that. how he thought that harming himself was an answer. it made—still makes, me feel disgusted with myself. i wish i hadn't asked about it. i wish he reassured me a bit. still, i think about it. i can't really stop. it's pathetic, being scared to talk to your partner. i wish i could talk to him about it. i really do. but i'm scared. it's so tiring, draining. but i don't know what to do. i hate it.