Biggest dream.

Isn't it sad that my biggest dream is to wake up in the morning and fucking see that she texted me?

Every single fucking night.

I got to bed with that thought in mind.

Wishing that in the morning when I wake up and check my phone. I'll see a message from her.

How did I even get here? Two months ago I was waking up every day with fucking desire to live, with fucking desire to do my work and shit.

I was waking up at 4. I was winning. I was having fun.

How do you fucking go from guaranteed success to fucking being miserable wishing and hoping with all of your soul and fucking spirit that a girl will have texted you during the night while you were sleeping?

I genuinely don't understand it. I genuinely fucking can't.

Yknow. I've got her number. Sometimes I just wonder is there a right answer.

Is there a certain combination of fucking letters that I can text her that will fix everything. Of course not fix but at least give me a chance to try and fix it.

Is there anything that I can possibly do to actually make things right.

I don't know what's  the right move.

I genuinely don't.

I look at the fucking chess board (my life) and  don't know what's the best move.

Is it to text her crying my eyes out? Is it to text her explaining my situation? Is it to never text her again? Is it to text her in a few months? Is it to fucking record a voice message explaining and text her that? Is it to forget about her? Is it to blame her? Is it to blame myself? 

Yknow. I wonder why it hurts so much.

Is it because I feel misunderstood? Is it because we ended things on bad terms? Is it because I just love her and want her back but I can't have her back.

I genuinely don't know.

And it's fucking been a long time since I've written "i don't know" so many fucking times. Especially in the same fucking text.