i didn't even know it was SA

it's funny how almost everyone has such "memories" with one of their relatives. for me, it was one of my dad's brothers. i can't even bring myself to call him my uncle sometimes. he's not married, nor has a partner. he spends all day in his room doing god knows what. when i was little, i used to get along with him nicely. he'd take me to stores, buy me snacks. back then, i loved him so much. who wouldn't, as a kid. especially when your parents weren't the best. it still makes me sick to my stomach whenever i remember it. i find myself trying to justify it sometimes. maybe he really didn't mean it like that. maybe he was just trying to be affectionate when making me sit on his lap and kiss my neck. not a peck either. he'd sniff me, touch my behind, make sounds which i still remember to this day. i remember how i used to quickly rush back to my house and try to wash it off. it made me feel disgusted with myself. each time i saw him, i would try to leave without him seeing me because it was his way of saying goodbyes. when i would try to push him away and tell him that it makes me feel bad, he'd only get more insistent. it made my skin crawl, how i could feel his saliva on my skin. when i told my dad about it, he told me that he showed his love like that and that i shouldn't try to stop him. i was a kid, so i didn't go against him. i wish i did. i wish i could go back and stop it all. to this day, i still can't forget about how it felt. i feel trapped whenever someone touches my neck or try to kiss it. even worse when they try to hug me from behind. i feel like the whole world closes over my shoulders when they do it. i hate how it affects me still. i can't even hug the people i want properly. i hate when they ask me if i don't like them when i refuse their touch. i just can't stand the feeling of skin against mine. it feels like a burden, something i have to get rid of and wash off as soon as possible. now, please don't read the rest if you're sensitive to such topics, i just want to let it out somehow. my sister too, used to do similar things. she'd take off both of our clothes and make me sit on top of her, sometimes do it herself. i don't know why i didn't stop her back then. i was well aware of what she wanted. i was a kid, yes, but i knew what it meant. she didn't quite force me. but i still wonder why she made me do it. i remember crying all night because i was scared. and guilty, because our parents didn't know about it. i felt like i failed them, like i failed god. i got even more religious after that. my sister and cousin would make fun of me for it. how i couldn't even stand someone curse around me. how i got unhealthily hygienic and try to keep everything clean. i was terrified of germs. touching things outside. something used by others before. or even skin. i couldn't touch other people's skin. i was so scared that i would get sick. no matter how much people made fun of me for it, i couldn't stop. i would wash my hands with boiling water until the skin began to dry up and bleed. it was exhausting, draining. but i didn't know how to stop. i don't blame the people around me. because when you don't ask for help, they won't know that you need it. but i wish they noticed more. at least my parents. but it doesn't really matter anymore. i learned how to take care of myself. i hope i'll be able to forget about it.