religious family

my mom doesn't let me wear the clothes i want. my dad doesn't either, yeah, but it's different. whenever i show something i like to her excitedly, she just turns me down by saying—or rather mocking, buy it if you're gonna wear it at home. it feels like she's making fun of me. why would i want to wear a dress at home? she thinks i'm doing it for attention, but it's actually the only hobby i can afford. the other day, i argued with my dad. i was fully covered, yet he still demanded me to cover my "behind". it makes me feel kind of disgusted with myself, the way my own parents are sexualizing me so much. i didn't have the best childhood, as their strict rules and religion often restricted me. i remember wanting so many things from them. like applying for a ballet class. he turned me down saying i shouldn't be showing my legs, even though i was only nine or ten. i really wanted to learn how to play the violin, but they rejected that too, saying it's against "our" religion. now i'm an adult, well i'm only 18,  still. and i feel so lost. i have no talents. i suck at maths. i just wish they liked me instead of treating me like a project. now, as if it's all my fault, he calls me names. he tells me how disappointed i make him feel, how failed. he yells at me when i paint my nails or put on eyeliner. always asking me who i want to be seen by. it makes me feel so helpless. i do it for myself, to be happy. i wish he looked at me as his daughter—a part of himself, instead of a woman. why am i not allowed to laugh? why was it okay for him to have lovers when he was my age, when he says that he'd break my legs if he ever sees me with a guy? it's like he doesn't see me as a human being. as if i'm a piece of furniture he has to get rid of when i'm a certain age. turn my rights over my husband. i hate it so much. it's the reason why i don't want to get married with them around. i don't even want to introduce my boyfriend to them—who they don't know about. because i know they will act like i belong to him now. i wish i could relive my childhood, or tell my kid self that wearing a skirt isn't asking for attention. it's because you liked the color or the fabric. maybe you thought it went well with the new top you bought. or simply because you wanted to wear it. i'd protect her from the evil, rather than hiding her from it. i feel like an object they can pass around, just because they gave life to me. do their chores, don't ask for anything, sit pretty and be quiet. this is a bit funny, but about half a month ago or something, i fought with my mom over something small. it's always like this. she gets mad, and yells at everyone who speaks back. i think i got her a bit angry with my words. and she decided to "punish" me by loudly announcing that i was on my period, so that dad could hear. so that he would know that the state i was in. how shameful, right. having your period. she thought it would make me feel ashamed. but it just made me feel disappointed. you should be happy that your daughter has a functioning body. that nothing is wrong. but you see it as something shameful, dirty. she yells at me when i leave the cover of the trash slightly open. because my dad isn't supposed to see what's inside. he shouldn't see the blood-stained pads. if i could, i would rip my uterus out of my body. it's not going to work anyway. i don't want kids. i know i will turn out just like them. i don't necessarily hate them, but i wish for once they told me how pretty i look in my dress, how my new haircut suits my face. instead of not speaking to me for over a month for cutting it. hair never mattered to me. you cut it, it grows back. but i have to take their permission even for that. my uncle used to tell me that the length of your hair is associated with virtue and purity. disgusting thing to say to a literal child. a kid shouldn't know what purity is. the concept of hell should be unknown to them. they just have to play and smile as much as they can. until they are a teen, religion should not tell them what to do. that is, if they choose that religion. i'm not a religious person. i was, until the age of 16. i began praying at 10 or 11, i'm not sure. i wasn't allowed to question god. and when i did, i knew nothing would be the same from then on. i began locking myself in rooms when i was "praying". i just wanted to hide, really. hide and not let them know that i wasn't praying anymore. i used to cry on my prayer mat, begging god to make me believe again. not for him, for my parents to see me valuable. when i stopped praying completely, my dad didn't even look at me for a month or so, let alone talking to me. i never did anything for myself. i studied hard so they could show my grades off to people they know. i prayed so that mom wouldn't get angry, and dad would be proud. i don't remember them praising me for anything i did. it was just "i'm not surprised" or "that's how it should be". i wonder if i would turn out as a better person if they ever told me that they loved me for once, but because they want to say it. not as a response to my own love declaration, or as a way to make themselves feel better after making me cry all night. it's me who always goes to them, hugs or kisses them. i comfort them, listen to them and do as they say. but when it's their turn, it's as if i'm not their child. they tell me that they are not my friend, they aren't supposed to give me attention or spend time with me. or even support my wants. that they are only responsible for providing for me. and they say it as if i should be grateful for it. well i didn't ask for being born. it's your duty to provide for me. it's weird, really. i used to wonder if mom liked the children of her siblings more. she would always kiss them, hug them and buy them gifts, tell them how much she loved each one of them. and my cousins would say that i'm lucky for having such a mom. i didn't feel quite lucky when she hit me for defending myself against them. every time i did something to have fun, ended up with a slap or a grounding. now it's the same. i can't show my shoulders, my chest—not my cleavage. my legs, my back, my belly. they all have to remain covered. i can't grow my nails or paint them. dark colours on the lips are not allowed. going out, before 8 am and after 4 pm, is not allowed. the wi-fi is turned off after 11 pm. also, i'm not allowed to give my number out to anyone other than close family. i feel like an object. like a trained dog. for them to raise until a certain age, give away to another man when i'm grown. it makes me wonder if i would be happier as a man. if i would want kids. it feels like a wasted life. i would be allowed to have lovers then, i would even be praised for it. but i'm not a man. not that i feel like a woman. i don't know what i am. i feel so bad for my child self. the only childhood i had, ruined. i think she would be so disappointed in me if she ever saw me. she was so successful, so happy. and most importantly, she made her parents proud. now i just feel like a shadow of of her remains.