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Sometimes when I think about her I get so angry about how I fucked things up. Sometimes I genuinely just want to stand up, fucking punch the wall so hard that my hand breaks.
Sometimes I genuinely want to do that. And to be honest if I didn't kind of have the self control I have I'd do it bro.
We'll see how long I can stop myself though. It's not like the anger I feel with myself goes anywhere. It just stays within me and someday It might just burst out and I'd do something stupid lol.
At least one positive thing I've noticed is. I'm much more open to getting into an argument. In my normal calm and unaffected state, it'd be rare for me to get into a confrontation.
I don't give a fuck anymore though. Bro, I could care fucking less. And I don't care who you are bro. I'm fucking doing it, anyone, anytime.
I feel such a deep frustration with myself that I genuinely don't want to think sometimes.
I just bury myself in work and blast music on the loudest possible volume I can. I feel my head fucking trembling from the bass. If you're next to me, you can genuinely hear the music pretty fine while the headset is on me lol.
I just can't forgive myself. I want to fucking kill myself every time I think of how I fucking fucked things up.
And when that anger kind of dies down a bit I get into this despair. Kind of losing hope, not being able to fight anymore.
Sometimes I wonder, what would she think if she saw how my life was going right now and knew what I'm thinking?
Would she even care? Probably not. And that might be for the best. Because to be honest if I had to explain my life to someone, they'd think it's pretty shit.
It's not the life itself but just what I think about on a daily basis lol.
My mind is fucked, man.
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y ┐('～`;)┌
Heyyy I came across this as I was scrolling and honestly I understand you. I'm gna say I understand you fully I mean ive never dated anyone but I have a crush on this boy, and truly without him in my life i feel like an empty shell, i genuinely cannot imagine messing things up and losing him. Beforei used to think all tbis love stuff was js silly but its really not. I really hope you get better soon, focus on yourself<3
you don't get better overnight, one step at a time. Maybe for now try n cry it out or go to a rage room or smth, join boxing. Just something to get ur feelings out. Listening to music is a great first step, it helps distract you but u need an outlet for ur feelings to b let out. Make sure u eat and drink well. I hope u get better soon im so sorry, u can message me if you need to talk. One step at a time.
im not gna say*
by y ┐('～`;)┌; ; Report
Mel
I hope you get better, I really do I understand that feeling messing up something that you could never get back. fucking hate when that happens. I really do hope you get better and you will find someone. It might take some time but i promise you will find someone. Dont hate yourself either because it will literally just make things worse than it already is. Im here if you need to talk to anyone. Get better Soon.
Thank you so much for the comment, it really made my day. I was feeling pretty down, but reading it helped. I appreciate it! I know I’ll find someone eventually. It’s just… I can’t help how I feel, y’know? Sadly, there’s often a dissonance between the heart and the brain. I’m sorry to hear that you can relate. I hope you're doing okay. Do you have Discord? I'm not sure I’d want to talk about all this directly, I kind of prefer writing my thoughts out rather than being in a full-on conversation. But I’d still enjoy having someone new to talk to! :)
by Vlad; ; Report