i'm not hungry

so...

in a past blog entry, i mentioned my weight loss. a whole 10 pounds. crazy, i know. actually, there's no need for the sarcasm. it was, and still is, very much concerning.

well, things never got better. i don't mean to trigger anyone who may read this. i will try to choose my words very carefully. i have done nothing but lose weight and lose more weight. i think it's bad, but i have no way to honestly gauge that. i have never been amazing regarding weight and food.

i think it's bad. 

i think it's bad because when i wake up in the morning, i feel like i am on the verge of collapse. i think it's bad because that feeling never goes away. i think it's bad because i enjoy building my tolerance for just how little i can eat in a day. it's to the point where i am not. it's to the point where there is a family dinner, and all i can do is sit and pick at my food. i'm not hungry, so i see no necessity in eating. i don't need to overeat. if my body does not crave food, i will not provide it with such.

i think it's bad, but i should have thought it was bad back in february when i nearly collapsed on the kitchen floor. that "nearly" doesn't change the fact that i still laid on the kitchen floor feeling like the world was spinning. that "nearly" doesn't change the fact that when i tried to drink a smoothie, my body instantly rejected it.

i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry. i'm not hungry.

i'm not hungry. if i was, i'd be eating. i'm obviously not hungry. there's no need for me to eat because i am not doing anything that requires me to eat.

...help?

i think it's bad. i think it's bad because when i had a performance, i ate more than usual. i ate two protein bars to hopefully prevent myself from passing out. that would be embarrassing. the issue isn't that i felt that weak. the issue is that i thought two protein bars were excessive. i thought they were a near guarantee.

it's never been this bad, but i can't stop. i really can't. this is my first time really speaking on it. here on this random spacehey blog that, most likely, no one will see. the only reason i'm doing it now is because i feel...i don't feel good. i don't think i can stop. i'm on the path to hospitalization.

what if no one's home to make that call? 

i'd rather get an iv than eat. that's a ridiculous bill, though.

i can't eat, but it's fine because i'm not hungry.

i'm not hungry.

i think a problem lies in how i got it to be this bad. the same way i let my depression get as bad as it did. i can quickly turn on the charm. why would someone say i was lying? i have no idea how people interpret my calculated inflections or my catered body movements, but no one has really jumped in. maybe i am really good at it? maybe i should become an actor? i'm kidding. fame scares me. that's stupid. chances are i won't make it big.

i hate that i play up the smiles and charisma. i hate it, but i can't stop myself from doing it. i see it happening. i wish i could be honest, but if i were to truly be honest, i'd understand i was never all that of a "good" person. you really can control people for the better or worse if you act accordingly. i'm trying to play the angel's shoulder. i'm trying to be good.

there's no true reason for concern as i'm not in the hospital and haven't been in one. there really is no issue here. i'm fine. it's fine because i'm not actually hungry.

i'm not hungry.

the increase in personal injuries is simply a coincidence. my feeling of weakness is because of dehydration. if i drank more water, if i exercised more, i wouldn't feel so weak.

it's not because of food.

i'm not hungry.