UGHHKAIFUEN

I hate psychology class.

That's it, for short.

It's not like the teacher is insufferable or that the class itself is hard to comprehend or whatever, it's about those classes where she asks us about our values and traits or bullshit like that. 

Mostly, I stare at the paper and write down random things that cone to mind, but I don't belive in them-- I'm not like that. But how am I? I don't know, that is exactly what makes me so uncomfortable.

Today, we had to name some values that each of us has, 10 of them. 

Positivity. I can't for my life be other than pessimistic and think of the worst.

Courage. All basic things scare me. There is essentially no aspect of my life that doesn’t scare me at this point.

Creativity. What I write isn't original, nor better in any way than what I've read to thins point in my life.

I will not continue the list since it's already pretty late at night, and I don't want to be tired the next day. 

The thing is, I can't do what I like properly because of a barrier that I set for myself, and that's that. I know the problem, and I am trying to solve it, but it's been years since I had this type of mentality.(Dare I say that I got better in the mean time)

I forget shit from my life and I'm always sick with fear of school, future, relationships, family etc... 

The best I can do is hope that it'll slowly pass or maybe off myself, still thinking about it. If only I didn't have people surrounding me. I am not sure how I gathered them tho, I hate that I drag them through my shit, especially someone. This is my apology that no one will ever read.

It'd be better off without anyone surrounding me, because they make me stay for longer. If I were lonely, I'd already off myself. 

Last night I had this dream(that I have frequently) that I actually do it. I'd see my boyfriend, my mom, my greatest friends, even some other people that felt obligated to come sit at my funeral, all gathered around my grave. I'd be a ghost or some thing lkle that, and I'd see them suffer because of me, then I'd feel guilty for it-- so much more guilty than I'd be if I were alive. I fear this dream could come true, so I just let everything out on this blog and hope that I'll forget this existed.

For how long will I torture the ones surrounding me, myself included?