I don't want to disappear

I TOLD YOU THESE AREN'T GONNA BE ALL DOOM AND GLOOM, BUT THIS ONE IS GONNA HAVE SOME.

The last few months have been hell to say the least. Every single thing has come back to haunt me in some way, shape, or form. I've already ranted enough about those though (see previous blog posts if you feel so inclined). Instead I wanna talk about the overwhelming fear I feel for the future. And it's not just "I don't know what's gonna happen after I'm done with college" type shit, it's more so will I even live to the end of college. The hostile political climate of the United States is actively scaring the shit out of me. I feel that it's only a matter of time before I have to make a hard choice. Do I try to hide to live and fight another day, actively harming my mental wellbeing in the process, or do I fight till a bitter end as who I truly am. The self preservation part of me so wants to choose the former. It would be so much easier to just write it all off as a "phase" and wait it out. But that end may never come. I would die a slow miserable death, probably regretting it all. I don't want to disappear into obscurity. All logic tells me to hide and live, but I can't do that again. I did that for god knows how long growing up. If I was forced to do it all again, I would probably cease to live. I'm still scared though. It's so much easier said than done to actively fight. I don't know I'll burn that bridge when I get there.

In less depressing news I've fallen back into the guitar hyperfixation. Went back to adjusting my partscaster; trying to make it more playable. I added a bunch of stickers to the pickguard and it looks super clean. Depending on how reliable I can make it over the summer, there's a good chance it'll become my main guitar. If it doesn't I'll probably just use my white Epiphone Les Paul Studio. It's the most reliable of the instruments I own and is the only electric guitar I have that I didn't put together myself (probably why it's so much more reliable haha).

I've been putting off drawing a thumbnail for a friend (hi Haybomb if you're reading this). They asked me fuckin months ago and I really need to get around to it.

FUCKIN I GOTTA GO SO GO LISTEN TO IMMORAL COMPASS BY DOOM SCROLL. GREAT ALBUM BY A GREAT BAND. HARDEST I'VE EVER SEEN ANYONE GO ON A MANDOLIN

SEE YOU WHENEVER BYEEEEEEEEEEEE