Might be one of the worst birthdays I've had

Date: 5 may 2025 

On saturday I celebrated my birthday early bcs my brother was home for the weekend. Me and mom were gonna go and buy an armchair for me, as a birthday gift, it went terrible. She told me I wasn't thankful enough and that I was "difficult". She ended up mad at me cs I wanted to go home when I realized she wasn't in a good mood and that the trip was gonna be quite long. After she told me how difficult and unthankful I was we sat quiet, for the rest of the trip I tried not to cry. I sat thinking abt that wednesday when I helped her at work when no staff would show up to help her. I did the dishes from 18-22 and helped with preparing some food as well. I missed out on celebrating Valborg and both her and my dad complained abt me working there even though they were the ones that asked me to. Mom yelled at me in front of the customers and made me feel terrible. When it was way past 22 I wanted to leave, she said "are you really going to abandon me?".

My real birthday is today, on a monday, pretty shitty day to have ur birthday on but it's whatever. My mom forgot it was my birthday and realized it hours later when I was in school, it's not that I'm mad or anything I just can't remember the last time she forgot anyones birthday, she usually always knows, she usually wakes u up with a "happy birthday" in the morning. Made me feel sort of forgotten, and it didn't help that most of my friends didn't know it was my birthday either. Usually it's fine cs I can't expect them to know everyones birthday, but this time it felt bad, especially knowing I told all of them happy birthday on their birthdays and even gave gifts. My friend who was supposed to bring a gift forgot it at home, simple mistake tho. I'm usually pretty good at being the punching bag for my friends but Idk I kinda expected them to maybe be extra nice today, but they weren't. When I got home from school my brother had eaten up my ice cream I had saved, it was a birthday gift from my other brother to me. Now that it's dinner time I thought I would get pizza, my mom had asked me this morning what I wanted and I told her that. She said she would only get me frozen pizza instead of a home or restaurant made one, I responded with "oh", she interpreted that as a sign I didn't want pizza anymore. Instead she made some dish I don't really like but she got mad when I asked why I didn't get pizza so I didn't tell her that. I got a plate with the food she made on my desk now, it's going cold but I don't really want to force myself to eat it.

All of these things are fine on their own, but together it's harder to ignore. It doesn't help that I have anxiety around aging and a multiple ppl have told me "happy one year closer to dying!". I just feel like no one likes me, if they did they would remember my birthday, I've even talked abt it just the week before. Or they would atleast when they find out abt it wish me a happy birthday or be a lil extra nice to me. I feel so belittled sometimes, like I'm small, stupid and childish. And now that it's my 19th birthday I wanna feel like I am 19, but I have a hard time feeling all grown and stuff when ppl around me treat me like a child.

If I try to be positive I guess I could mention that the guy I like kissed me for the first time in school. We were alone in a study room and before he left he kissed me on the cheek. He was also one of the few of my friends that knew it was my birthday, however I did tell him that on saturday so it would be a miracle if he had forgotten it two days later. Even tho it's just a kiss on the cheek and that he remembered something I mentioned two days ago, that's really all I ask for. Well I'm not saying I want everyone to kiss me on the cheek, I just mean that they could've said something a lil nice, like: "Hope u have a good birthday" or "Congrats". And then tried to include me in a conversation, I felt sort of lonely today, I would've liked if at least my teacher included me in her conversation.

I guess there's always next year. Also I'm getting a much needed haircut tomorrow, and on saturday I'll have a little get-together for me and my friends. That time there is no way anyone could've missed that it's (or has been) my birthday. 

- Elliot