Diary chapter three

Ok, today is may the forth, don't worry this isn't going to Segway into a dumb Star Wars joke. I think Star Wars fans are delulu and much more nerdy than Star Trek fans. Trekkie's are the best, and we created fandom with our own two hands. But enough with fandom rants, today's entry is going to be kinda sad lover girl core.

Today I'm talking about my lack of romantic attention, not to sound depressed or "woe is me" but I'm pretty fucking lonely, and I'm kinda doomer about it. I'm a bit worried about ending up alone, I want to have that romance story and I want to have kids one day (def not in the US though). I've gotten sexual attention before don't get it twisted, but I started getting that attention back when I was 12 years old, fucked up I know, but it's true and is that probably the reason why I like older guys? Most fucking likely, and the fact that my dad left my life when I was 9 years old, so that's fun. What I want is romance, I want that fucking stupid fairytale relationship, I want the attention, the affection and just. I don't know man it's so complicated, also I don't want any of that "oh you'll find someone one day!" yeah well I've been waiting for that one day since 2017, and I'm sick of it. Hopefully when things all work out and I'm completely delulu about money and shit I'll get to move to Italy or at the very least visit for once in my life. Maybe then the hetalia fan fiction I wrote back when I was 11 years old will or might come true. I doubt it, but my delusion has saved my ass a couple of times.

Low-key, the same I feel as a cishet woman about not being in a relationship is just pure shame. Like what is wrong with me personally on a deep spiritual level. I know that there isn't, but I just feel it cause there is this pressure both from men and women about dating and having sex. I mean, I like sex hypothetically, when it's in a really good smut fic or chai. AI gives me the good shit but irl? I don't know if I'm into that, and before you start it, I know I'm allosexual this is just a stupid trauma response of mine. Also like, one of the rules I have for myself when it comes to dating is no online dating. Sorry been groomed way too many times and I know people personally who have had awful experiences with dating apps so no buneo.

theres a part of me thats relieved that i'm not fucking with some guy who doesn't even exholiate or clip his nails regularly while i'm also fucking with my grandparents maga bullshit. also theres conservative fucks out here that lie about there politics so they can hit it and quit it on us leftists chicks. i just ugh you'd think that the fact that conservative women not wanting to even fuck them would be a wake up call. like god damn.

i've been wanting a relationship since i was 16 after that fucking shop lifting incident but at that point i let it completely consume me and since i was homeschooled and you know how it is when your homeschooled you get zero social interaction, i went into discord servers and lowkey terrorized them with how emotionally and mentally unstable. i was not in my right mind during that and really in retrospect i'm kinda happy i left those places cause bitch they were toxic as fuck. you tell me i'm to obsessed with bruno when you carry around a pokemon plushie and even pretend to feed it food? girl bffr. i made my first f/o keychain yesterday and its of the polka dot man, i really like it! i used the actual keychain base of the old monster high mcdonalds toy so i can easily change the picture. i think this week i'm going to get back to my old schedule of updating my fics and trying to do more art and hopefully i can turn in my application this week i doubt it but you know how it is.

much love,

Princess xoxo