First is the worst!! Second is (draining) the best!

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First is the worst!! Second is (draining) the best!

5/4/25

MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU ALL!!

I haven't posted since April fools..holy. This topic today is by far the rawest material I've published so far so hopefully It's not too much that I don't want it to be. It's more or so me jotting down my thoughts then my USUAL structured blogs. Without further ado lets get into it.

 A lot has been going on for me in my personal life that hasn't been as whimsical and bright as I'd like it to be lol. I mean usually I'm a very optimistic person and I've been achieving very good academic goals that I'm VERY proud of. So everything should be sunshine and rainbows right? Well nobody told me that being a teenager in 2025 at a high-school with 2-3 THOUSAND kids would be as mentally draining as It is now. And it's JUST freshman year. I have just SO many thoughts that I just need to share and I feel like I'm throwing a towel that's not gonna be caught asking this but has anyone ever just felt like immense second hand embarrassment for just feeling like you're at a great place and you're getting to a position that is RIGGGGGHTT there but boom something else just completely wind turbines you out of that spot. Like let's say you're coach announces the weeks game is dodgeball right? SO three team captains get picked and you watch as one by one all of your friends get picked but you. So as a default you get selected into the last team that hasn't picked. I mean sure you got picked but it's not like you were their first choice or ANY choice to be frank. Am I starting to make sense? My entire freshman year I've felt like the second pick, the default option. I've been the butt-call, the observer, the lover and more but I've never been a first pick. It's like no matter how much I burn for others their candles stay perfectly fine while I'm wilting away. I use all of my energy and heat to power their candles at my own expense. But It's been like that for years now so I don't understand what's so wrong now? What made me open HeySpace with and urgency to type down these sorrow-staining words? Is it spite? No. Is it hate? no..Is it Jealousy? Maybe? Before I opened this tab I was looking at social media as one teenager does and came across various parts of media from teenagers like me who exceeded in likes, and popularity points. My ex crush of six months was one of them. I didn't care at first (or atleast that's what I told myself but It's 1:42 in the morning and I'm doing everything but not caring.) but then I started talking to myself out loud as one kid does at 2 in the morning about how my thoughts were affecting me. I was upset. Upset that everyone around me has found joy. Upset that I'm watching all these kids I've settled into at the same time this school year for the first time, love each other as if they're in relationships of 9-10 years. Watching the kids who were quiet on the first day of school kiss in the hallways. Or the freaking class clowns who marked their name on a plaque since day one, hop from girl to girl like a stylist changes a wardrobe. And I'm zoomed out from a telescope from 3 planets away awaiting to orbit or come NEAR what these specimen are experiencing. I often like to narrate in my head that I'm on a different planet called Zolar and everyone else is living on {INSERT HIGH-SCHOOL NAME}. My main mission is to find out the secret of {INSERT HIGH-SCHOOL NAME} and bring it back to my home planet. And so far..I'm far from completion.

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 Scraps. That sums up my feeling. I was searching for a word to type that would sound beautiful or roll off the tongue but no. They're no nice words for second best. No nice words for below expectation. That's it. That's what high-school is right now. A school full of beautiful cream skin, blonde hair, small waisted, curvy and unique, rich girls with superb talent. The saying is always "Theirs always more fish in the sea!" But nobody ever talks about the fact all the fish are cannibals. Slowly picking at each other one by one until the next big fish arrives. You think you're scott-free, swimming around being pretty then BAM! You get crushed beneath the jaws of a 5"6 beauty icon your age who can take any fish she wants. And now you're just bones, scraps, left for the next lonely fish to come and take you into their coral just to discard you again. It's a cycle. It's the food chain. GUYS DO I SOUND LIKE A FEMCEL IM NOT I SWEAR 😭😭😭. I'm just a kid with a perspective and emotions to hot it burns in my chest. So I heat up the world with my words and kindle my fire with everyone else. I like this candle and fish metaphor, I've used it now and we might rock with it guys. 

 I always wondered if I'd run into that one fish who would fall below the SURFACE for me. That fish who would do a movie filter slow-mow whenever I swim past them in the hallway, mouth clenched and mind racing with wonder and possibility. I always seem to do that. I always seem to get myself into a garfunkle I can never get out of. I THINK WE FOUND THE ANSWER!! THE ANSWER TO WHY I'M ALWAYS SECOND PICK!! I always love someone more than they love me. It's a force of habit. The way I text, the ratio for me is ALWAYS greater than the person. The way I speak, I defend, I swear, I love so greatly for people that sometimes I don't know what to do with it. So I store it in a little box for when the right person comes. And so far I've set all the people I've liked up, watched them fall in love and dwindle their eyes back to me. Choosing me after the look of theirs was for someone else before me. I watched it all first hand, I was the person who set it up after all. Watching someone you love for so deeply have that same love for someone else and then once that dies crawl back to you knowing that you were only wishing that other lover was you..is a feeling you can only imagine by reliving it 3 times in the span of 7 months. My box is getting bigger but my patience is getting smaller. I'm a firm believer of platonic love is more powerful than any form of love combined (love you afiya) but when you get swarmed by romantic love and you see how wonderous it can be then Obatala forgive a person try to dabble in it too. Just nobody told me it would be so painful. 

I usually wondered what I was doing wrong when I would open social media. Was it my post? Am I unliked? Am I weird? Well I blog so. I wondered what made me not like the other kids at my school? I'd search from page to follows to followers to likes to page to followers to likers all over again that it became a blur to me. A noble knowledge that real unique-ness has died down. Everybody is the same now and days and It's depressing me. Walking to school I wanted to look at life through a filmmaker setting. So I put on my "camera goggles" and examined life as I saw it, and boy was it bland. The kids wore the same outfits, deep washed blue baggy pants,  black or gre-scaled baggy shirts,  low top adidas. Girls would wear tight jeans that flared below the knee but almost hugged at the ankle, tube tops or tight spaghetti strapped tops (which they all rock by the way) and uggs or low top adidas. But the one factor I noticed the most was the color. It went from Arsenic black to maybe Nickel grey. It was depressing. The brightest thing on that crossroad was the stop sign preventing me from walking into oncoming traffic and putting a end to this dreadful year. I wish we normalized funky patterns and color. Instead of grey zip up hoodies we all looked like  Pablo Picasso paintings! Green would be the new Grey! Blue would be the new Black! Everyone up and down the street dancing to a new rhythm that'll flow throughout their day. Maybe life would be more fun that way. 

 I've been talking for a while. I'll be posting as normal just needed to get this off my chest. 

Okay, that concludes todays yap session/blog if you came this far DM me a strawberry or kudo or comment! If you have any feedback or anything my DMS are always open. ONWARDS AND OUT!!

P.S. I'm sorry for the wait!