Entry #035 - Trauma Drama

Content warning: Depression & Mental Health Struggles

Two months have slipped by in the blink of an eye.

I briefly skimmed my previous entry, but I lack the energy to fully read and process everything I wrote. The past couple of months have exhausted me to my core, but that seems to be my new default state of being anyway. 

*Before I continue typing, it should be known that I just ingested a heavy dose of a THC-infused beverage I bought from the dispensary today. This shit hits way quicker than smoking or eating it. Like, I'm immediately high. 

Anyhow, moving in with my family member(s) has been an adjustment, to say the least. Every part of my life has changed, and I've had no choice but to become adaptable and tolerant of these unpleasant changes. Without providing too much detail, moving from an HOA neighborhood to the fuckin' ghetto has been a humbling experience. 😅 And a depressing one. And a stressful one. Everything is bad here, and I feel like I leapt from a sinking ship onto a burning one. 

My anxiety levels have remained stable, but my depression seems worse these days. Passive suicidal ideation consumes much of my mental/emotional stamina every day. Every time I begin to make any sort of progress in recovering + coping with my lifelong traumas, something always happens that sets me back to square one. I was so close to feeling "normal" again, and then it happened.

Roughly two weeks ago, my deranged ex-husband (whom I've had zero contact with for the past eight months) ambushed me in a dark parking lot at 5:15 in the morning when I was alone and vulnerable. He was literally waiting for me in the shadows because he had been stalking me and learning my routine. He could have easily hurt me or even killed me if he chose to. I was totally caught off guard. Fortunately, he seemed to change his mind halfway through the encounter and he got back in his car and left. I quickly reported the incident to the proper authorities. (And I bought myself a weapon the very next day.)

Seeing him face-to-face triggered my PTSD. Honestly, the encounter really fucked me up for an entire week after it occurred. (Fight-or-flight mode, sleepless nights, paranoia, etc.) He already traumatized the living shit out of me before I filed for divorce, but I guess that wasn't enough for him. It's sickening. Everything about this is sickening. I've been minding my own business and staying in my own lane this entire time, but it still wasn't enough. 

Other notable life updates include my unsuccessful attempt to transfer departments at work, my new tattoo, my broken phone, and my worsening health conditions. 🤙 Oh, and I subscribed to Spotify Premium for the first time in over two years. People say music is therapeutic and I am beyond desperate for therapy. 

I had more to share but this fucking cannabis soda is taking me out. I need to go be horizontal for the next 12 hours.