Journal #51

I always feel depressed until Boyfriend comes around. Then I laugh like an idiot and forget why I was ever sad. I wish I had emotional permanence, but I'm not really sure how or if I can develop it so late into my life. 

We went to L.A. yesterday to go to Green Day's Hollywood Star ceremony. It was super fucking awesome. Ryan Renolds was there too, for some reason I actually don't know why he was there but I guess that was cool. If I were like, four years younger and still miserably into Marvel then that would've been a lot cooler than it was, but I don't really care for it anymore. We walked into Amoeba after the ceremony ended and when we walked back out some of the idiots in the crowd rushed and screwed everyone over. If they'd been patient maybe they'd gotten a vinyl or something signed but no, they fucked it up which was kind of funny. 

Boyfriend took me to Little Tokyo which was super sweet of him considering anime isn't really his scene and we walked around it for the four millionth time. I just never get bored of it ever and I don't think I will. I might have to stick to the convenience store ramen from now on though, twenty bucks a bowl is way too much to spend. I miss La Plancha and the ramen shop there, twelve dollars a bowl doesn't seem so bad now and it was wayyyy better than the one in Little Tokyo. It was much too salty, but it wasn't a big deal. Plus Boyfriend spent a long ass time looking for parking, so I'm really just grateful I got to eat when I was hungry and that I learned about the pricing and that I got to share my egg with him (I always love doing that). 

My sister sort of dropped out of the band we're in which makes me a bit sad. I wish she'd care a little bit about it, but I can't force her just like how I don't really mind her little Kpop club. I guess you really can lead a backup dancer to rock en espanol, but you can't make it enjoy the fruits of it's bass playing labor. 

Boyfriend's pet mystery snail had eggs like half a year ago and he said he'd let me have one of the babies since they're big enough to grab out of the tank so I'm really excited to adopt one. I hope it'll help keep the snail tank clean because ever since I left for Mexico, the water's gotten murky when it never used to be. I don't know what my family did to it for it to be like that, but I'm in the works of clearing it up. I want to get a new tank altogether and save some space for the old one so I can use it to breed my pink ramhorn snails so I can have more. Though, I was thinking about what to do with dozens of pink snails. I don't know if I could sell them, but I don't think I'm knowledgeable enough to sell them to real hobbyists. I'm just very unnaturally enthusiastic about snails. 

I put the story I was working on on pause. It got too much, the self doubt. I can't even think about without bashing myself because no one will care about it and now not even I can. I hate it. I haven't drawn or written anything about it in ages I just feel guilty for caring about it so much. I can't do anything anymore without thinking about how I might be scolded for it or how the reality would turn out. It often paralyzes me at the worst of times and I'm afraid it will make me useless and unmotivated, but I think I'm already those things. I'm not sure what to do with myself when no one's watching. I don't know how to make people care about me when they don't want to, like my sister. 

"I need a father. I need a mother, I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God, but the sky is empty."

-Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals