The Domino effect: Not being content with oneself

Have you ever wondered why you don't have this? Or you don't have that?

A lot of these questions come back down to a specific thing that is relative to your life situation and is not what I'll be talking about in this post (for instance: the friend of your best friend stole your money which is why you're now in debt or whatever is very oddly specific and is something you yourself need to figure out)

But the issues that result in us not being content with ourselves are universal. If you don't love yourself like I don't love myself, you'll likely relate to my problems.

Let me start from the very beginning: Not loving yourself.

Now the reasons can vary from person to person, but generally, these reasons are:

-Thinking you're ugly

-Hating your personality

-Past events (trauma/regret)

-Minority complex

These are very broad reasons and are very specific to each individual, but let me describe them further (atleast according to my experience):


Feeling like you're ugly on the outside is probably the most devestating thing to exist. It makes me ashamed to act in public. For instance:

-I have struggle breathing in public spaces, because I'm afraid people will hear it and think I'm disgusting

-I can't get myself to speak frequently or laugh because my teeth are yellow and I'm ashamed

-I can't focus on class because I feel like I'm constantly being watched (especially from the side. I hate my side profile the most)

-I feel ashamed whenever I buy food that I dont consider healthy (any type of snack/instant/frozen food). I usually only buy 2 unhealthy things at once and then switch stores because it'd be too embarrassing to buy all the food I want at the same store. Not with my fat hideous face. I always avoid eye contact with the cashier

-Taking the bus and having to sit next to someone is my worst nightmare, because I'm afraid of them being disgusted by my presence

-Participating in PE class is the worst, because by moving my body, I'm being the most vulnerable I could ever be in public. Which leads me to my next point:

-I am too afraid to move in general. I usually sit stiff at my desk in school and never dare to raise my hand. I'm too afraid to ask the teacher if I can go to the bathroom, because I'd have to get up from my chair and move. Im very clumsy and usually look very awkward when I do that, it causes a huge fuss and suddenly all eyes are on me during a very vulnerable moment. A moment where I'm not protected by a stiff stance and a pokerface. Its why I avoid getting up in class alltogether

I could go on but I also want to talk about the other points I mentioned:

-I hate how much of a sloth I am

-I'm not taking care of my body

-I am awkward

-I was toxic in past friend- and relationships (told people I'd kill myself if they didn't do x and y, would constantly look for pity, would let my anger out on them and so on)

-I have nothing to be proud of

Overall, I wouldn't want to be friends with myself, if myself was another person

Past events include bullying (people from my class calling my ugly), but mostly situations that stem from pure interpretation because I lacked confidence and assumed that other people were feeling this and thinking that

(for instance: I once thought my then-boyfriend was thinking I was ugly while we were making out and I ruined myself because I projected my own opinion onto him and therefore doubled the pain)

And if it wasn't clear enough, I have mentioned lots of examples that point towards a minority complex (not wanting to be a bother in the most unsignificant situations, like sitting besides a stranger in the bus for 5 minutes)

All of these reasons combined will result in you loathing yourself. Now, what does loathing/hating yourself get you?

EXACTLY.

I want to be happy with myself. How? By loving myself

I have romantic and sexual desires. Who can satisfy them? A boyfriend. What do I need to do first before getting into a relationship again? Actually love myself

I want to be able to exist in the outside world. I need to love myself for that

I had the opportunity to be on TV a few months ago but didnt. Why? Because I'm ashamed of the way I look

I want to post pictures of myself. I cant, because I hate how I look

I want to eat with friends and family. I can't, because I'm convinced I look disgusting while I eat (over the years I subconsciously made it a habit to always cover my mouth and hide my face while eating)

I want to post videos on YouTube of me dancing. I can't, because people will 100% bully me for looking ridiculous

I want to be a part of the class picture shooting. I'm too afraid of looking ugly and people laughing about it, so I always skip picture day

I want to be happy and not embarrassed/offended whenever my mom takes pictures of me without knowing it, but I can't because I always look horrendous whenever I get my picture taken without me preparing for it

I want so many things. So many simple things. And I realized; a long time ago actually; that it all comes down to me being satisfied with myself

Why, god, is it so hard?