Confronting my eating disorder, for real now (trigger warning)

I can't stand it anymore. I've been avoiding the issue all this time, I pretended like it doesn't exist and kept indulging in my bad habits. I kept filling the void with junk, stole my moms food atleast 100 times and even stole the food of my roommate once. I acted like it doesn't matter, pretended calories didn't exist, and ate like a person from my 1000 lb life would. And the result of that? Well, I haven't stepped on the scale yet because I can't find the energy to get up, but I know for a fact that I gained more than 4 kgs this year. I can visibly see the change my body has gone through as the result of my actions these past 2 months and I know that if I'll continue, I will end up obese.

I feel like subconsciously I always convinced myself that there'd be no way I'd ever become obese, because I was never fat in the first place. I am 160 cm tall and weigh 52 kg on average, assuming 56-57 now. I've been average size my whole life and obviously I would never think of applying the concept of obesity onto me. Up until now I thought it was only possible for those people in documentaries to be obese (because funnily enough, no one I know in real life is actually obese)

But I need to finally fucking wake up. As of now I only look like a girl that went through a break up and ate ice cream at 2 am every night. But if I continue, I might actually look like a whale at the end of 2025.

To be fair, my main concern isnt really the fact that I'd become fat, but more the health problems I'll be having. For quite some time now (probably a year) I've been experiencing internal issues of some sort, which scare the fuck out of me because they've been getting worse these past 2 months where I've been eating worse than I ever have. My heart is aching, I'm constantly out of breath, and the slightest physical activity makes my blood pressure sink and causes me to faint. I have to stop

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I have put on a lot of pressure onto myself this January. I had a friend who I wanted to get healthy and fit for, because we would've met in April and I wanted to be the best version of myself for them. But our paths have seperated in february and that was the point where all my motivation sank. I didn't really have a reason to fix myself anymore.

Stupid, isn't it? There has always been a reason to fix myself, one that doesnt depend on other people: My own sake. Why did I never consider that? Why did it always have to be ''In order for me to look good'' ''to get skinny privilege'' ''to get new friends'' ''to become popular'' ''to have a boyfriend'' but never ''for myself''?

Technically, the ultimate goal has always been to fix myself for myself. But I feel like I've lost track of that goal a long time ago. And at some point I'd only have goals that are so superficial that it's no wonder I couldn't achieve them. ''Being fit for summer and being able to hang out with my friends at the pool'' is such a ridiculous reason to become fit that it's no surprise I felt so much pressure.

Time pressure was and still is a big thing for me. Even yet I can only think about the fact that I'll be in a new school in 3 months and that I want to be fixed until then. It's so crazy. In January it was 8 months, and so I didn't stress myself out, and now its already May and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I need to quit already!!! I'm tired!!!! Its been getting worse each year since 2021.

Sometimes I even ''tried going anorexic'' to replace my issue with another issue, because I'd honestly rather be anorexic than bingerexic, or whatever adjective there is for a person with binge eating disorder.

Countless times have I tried to start new, wrote posts like these and promised myself that this time, I'd actually do it, and I have always failed. Then I fell deeper. Tried again. Fell even deeper. And this went on for 4 years, and now we have reached the 2nd of May 2025 and I feel like I'm going insane. 

Each failure took a fraction of my hope away, and it's been getting weaker and weaker each time. Whenever I try to start anew, I subconsciously always think: ''Yeah, you've always done that. And then failed a month later. Why would it be different this time? Just quit fighting it already.''

And that hasn't changed. I still feel like I'm going to succumb to the virus in my brain and eat the entire fridge again this evening. I don't know if I can make it. But while writing this I confronted my issue again after a long, long time. I hope I can escape this hellhole and to anyone going through the same thing, you're not alone