#20 i'll be fine

no matter what, the loneliness persists at times. but then im also increasingly getting tired of people... and i feel like i dont care as much about closeness anymore

how do i put it... it still matters to me. i just worry less about it now. the quality of my relationships suffers but ive been learning to just accept things and not care as much

if all/most my relationships are or will be Not That Close... eh. its whatever. ive taught myself how to enjoy more surface level relationships. sure theyre not as fulfilling as one single genuinely truly close connection. but its also like. fine? and sometimes theyre more fulfilling than some of my close connections... more supportive more helpful etc. and theyre less effort

and yknow how people can be exhausting and annoying at times. it takes SO much effort from me to socialize and be there for others. SO much energy. and then a lot of the time its just disappointing

so... yeah. my friendships still matter to me ofc. i still make the effort etc. and if close connections happen - im open to them. but im not chasing them anymore

in the end i just enjoy my own company the most. im the love of my life. im the one to give myself what i want after all. the one to take care of myself and comfort myself etc

again it doesnt entirely erase the need for connections. but! yeah

i'll be fine. thats what im saying