it could always be _______.

well, its definitely not the life i planned. i don't think anyone would have, if they were me, or if they could choose.

its may. summer is right around the corner. i sit on my bed in my clean room with my new candle lit. laundry freshly done and put away. i got a credit card today. its 630ish. quiet ish. peaceful, certainly. i've been noticing that i actually quite enjoy my life. for more than just a day a week or something. and its silly but things seem more saturated. like i am noticing all the colors i never saw before. the blue is bluer. the yellow is yellower. i really can't explain it. medication saved my life, or i guess i saved my own life, but its quiet. i go to work and i don't hate it. i come home and the sun is still in the sky. and i can wear a tshirt outside now. and i watch movies with my best friend. and i read and i write and i draw and sing anything i want to. and i go and do my errands and pay my rent and eat my food and, when i was younger i thought this was doom. the monotony. but its not. its just living. its just peace. there is no deadline. the dread stopped. of course, there is still grief. it doesn't go away, it only gets smaller. i look to the sky and it fills me with wonder. i do not have a lot but what i do have is quite great, i think.

fill in the blank.