my diary- chapter one

Ok, so it's been awhile since I had even attempted a diary. Back when I was still in high school, back when I had my first boyfriend, and back when I was still trying to get into my local alt/emo scene. I was clearly laughed out of it, which now explains my lack of identity, really. I just turned 20 in the last couple of days and compared to the birthday I got for my 19th...it was amazing. I got pizza and cheesecake, I got to go to the mall and to a new restaurant. idk how to describe how I feel, but I feel pretty good, but a few weird, strange things have been happening to me lately. On my birthday in the mid-afternoon I saw this big ass black vulture land on one of the bushes right up against the window that looks into my room, look around and fly the fuck off. Days before that, across the street, I saw a large black dog I had never seen before walk down the street and walk up to a house that I assume he lives at. I did a bit of research on what that could mean, and both can represent death/rebirth. Since the omens of death thing is very much over done in the media when it comes to spirituality, I do think that means something to coming up soon. Even more conformation for that when I got my tarot reading from evatarot, a site I use to do my own readings, because it's easy to hide. So the first reading I got was on the 29th, I really didn't pay attention to it cause well I was getting ready to go out with my friend for my birthday. The cards go like this wheel of fortune, the moon, death, the fool, the hermit.

Now in these readings you really gotta read in-between the lines, nothing is set in stone, much like everything in life. I may be delusional about if David tenant would find me attractive, but I'm not all gone. (yes I'm aware he is married, that's the joke XD)

The reading I got said that these cards could provide me with the energies I need to be more confident and to get my life in order. It makes sense, especially since I'm planning to apply to a bunch of jobs here soon and to save for a trip overseas. I really do need this type of energy to try and escape my family.


Ok next tarot card read the cards go the lovers, the star, the world, death and the hanged man.

Honestly, this reading was slightly more depressing to me for what ever reason. They said that the star represents that I won't ever grow as a person unless I am happy, which I'm like "yeah bitch been telling god that for years at this point, the fuck you mean I need to know this now???" I do need to nurture the friendships I have, especially in this time, so I can be supported by the people that I love and love me. The world card supports this while death yet again in the draw shows me that a big change is coming back and the hanged man? Well, it just shows me nothing in life is set in stone, change always is a possibility.

With the dog, vulture, the two tarot readings I got and finally hitting the big two o. I can't say I'm scared or excited.... I'm vaguely unsettled. I'm worried as hell, and all of April I was spiraling over the current state of the political landscape. Not the fucking world I was promised. God something while I look for style inspiration or listen to my music I really realize that I was ment to be in the 90s and or in the early 2010s. I need to rewatch sex in the city, no idea why my mom let me watch that as a child but ugh Carrie Bradshaw you really did shape me when I was like 4 years old. I am her for real as I write while sipping a HEB brand diet dr. b that's legally distinct from dr. pepper. I will try and write something for y'all tomorrow for now.

Goodbye, Love Princess

xoxo