april showers

welcome back to my monthly scheduled unsolicited oversharing session! hope everyone's april was far more delightful than mine has been haha

i've found myself constantly crying and lashing out(mostly towards myself) during this past month. i've rarely cried in the last couple of months, so i don't know what exactly the trigger was. bad things and stressful interactions always happen, but april's overall just been a trainwreck for me. now that i think about it—april of last year was also an absolute catastrophe. i had finally broken up with my emotionally manipulative partner(who was also three-timing!) and yet i was overwhelmed with melancholia from anger, devastation, and many other emotions. i repeat to myself time and time again that all these feelings are a natural part of life, and they're what make me truly me. but when there're only negative emotions both deep within and also being pushed out, i can't help but start to dislike the kind of person i'm being.

i keep wondering if i'm even ready to love or to be loved again yet. though i long to have this noticeable emptiness in my heart filled, i can't decide if i'm fully recovered from my past pains. i've spent the past few months hung up on somebody who i know doesn't care for me, somebody who i know for certain isn't right for me. i think to myself, even if they liked me back, i'm far too unwell for anything to go right. and you'd be right if you said, "that's not a good way to think about yourself!" i know. and i also know i'm far better than i was in the past. my mind is prone to repeating toxic situations for myself, but i'm now in a position where i'd be able to get myself out of that sort of spot. and yet, i'm still so afraid. i'm afraid of opening myself up. i'm afraid of having my identity rejected. i often hear from people that i seem like i'd be able to get anything done, but the truth is, i've always suffered with self-love and acceptance, and i've always been afraid of being disliked. deep-rooted fears from childhood trauma, am i right?

many a times i have moments where i suddenly am transported back to a period from my past. i know that i have a deep connection with my olfactory sense relating with memories, but recently it hasn't been just that. some days i will wake up in the morning with a dreadful pit in my stomach that reminds me of the summer of 2020. other times i'll feel a sudden dull pang in my chest and the whole day i feel delirious, and all of a sudden i'm in the vulnerable state i was back in 2023. in those times, the air fills up my lungs in a different way, my head starts to feel numb, and i feel as though i'm lucid dreaming, having an out-of-body-experience, almost. most of these days i try and force myself to sleep or grind through movies the entire day because i can't get myself even to open the bedroom door. and most of all, i feel afraid, vulnerable. it feels as though my mind has regressed as well back to that age.

last week, for the first time in years, i had an immense panic attack in the shower that left me unconscious for over an hour and paralyzed for longer. i still don't know what exactly the cause was, but the entire night before it happened, i was overwhelmed with anxiety and shortness of breath, waking from my light sleep every two minutes or so. it was an incredibly jarring experience, as the last time this kind of thing had happened was when i was between 5-8 kilograms lighter.

i know i think about this often, but this month has had me really appreciating the existence of my best friend. september 2016, our freshman year. you sat right behind me in geometry class and i harassed you from the first day. we've experienced so many things, been through the toughest struggles, fought the hardest battles. said hurtful words we won't ever be able to take back, did things we'll never forget. and despite all that's happened, we're still here. both of us, on this earth. both of us, loving and caring for one another. saying anything that's on our minds. without you, there are so many moments i wouldn't have been able to get through. almost nine years of knowing you, and i don't regret a thing(no, maybe i regret many things). thank you, and i love you !! we'll be as pathetic and deranged and lovable and amazing as we want for the rest of eternity !!

i'm sorry this month's entry feels like it's only filled with negative things. also for all the word slop(i'm still feeling a bit unwell both physically & mentally at the moment :/) but hey, fingers crossed, manifesting only good things for everyone and for myself in the glorious month of may. may all things sparkle brightly in your eyes, every step feel light. may only happiness find you all.