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I am tired.
I hate how we were treated. I hate how we continue to be treated by police.
I made an effort. I spoke about what happened, even though I want to forget about everything. I even made a GoFundMe for the body cam footage fees.
But I'm tempted to just delete the fundraiser and forget about the footage. I just don't have the energy to do anymore. I don't want to promote the fundraiser or the video. I don't want to market myself like a product. I already do that when I stand on the side of the road holding a cardboard sign.
The internet is where I can just fuck off.
My videos, they're essentially just me talking to a wall.
Even if my videos show up in somebody's feed, they typically pass it over. And truthfully? I'm okay with that. My main intention for my channel and my blog is to be able to leave behind recordings of myself for when I die. I just want to make some small mark that'll be there when I'm gone.
I don't want to fight. I hate fighting. I'm tired. I'm not a fighter. And that's not because I'm privileged enough to not have to worry about anything bad happening to me. No. I don't even want to fight for myself. I'm just so exhausted and broken.
I want to be able to enjoy the little joys in life, such as dancing, singing, reading, writing, and making videos. I just want to be able to enjoy these and then die.
I'm weak. I'm weak and I hate myself for it. But that's the honest truth. I'm weak. I might not even be worth fighting for anyways. That's just how I feel.
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Liminal Sunset
I think "weak" is NOT the right word to describe what you are going through. So many people would not last a day in your shoes, especially that police guys you are talking about. They act tough, but I'd like to see how it would be if they had to trade places with you.
You are not weak, just tired.
"I want to be able to enjoy the little joys in life, such as dancing, singing, reading, writing, and making videos. I just want to be able to enjoy these and then die."
I did it as much as I could, and somehow, its not enough? I feel I am robbed of my time, a significant chunk of it, since forever. First school, then uni, then 9-5 work. Between chores, commuting, and all the other little things we must do, I have so little time and energy left.
I feel like I'm doing a lot with that time, but somehow, still not enough. I don't think I'll ever come to peace with it.
You live a very different life from mine, and yet have a similar problem.
Then there are rich people, you'd think they would do something with their time, but so many of them don't look happy at all, either! In fact, they look unhappier than you and I. Instead of making art, they are busy getting even richer, consumed by greed.
You're really awesome. I appreciate you talking me up when I'm being whiny, lol.
My self-esteem has plummeted since a traumatic incident last August. So, I'm finding myself more easily shaken by people who think badly of me. Idk what it was, but something finally just clicked in my head yesterday, and suddenly, I'm not as affected by the cruel comments I've been getting for talking about the incident. I was being accused of lying, being lazy, and trying to guilt people into giving me money. It really hurt me, but it's like, how could I blame people for not believing me? There was no reason for them to be so harsh, but they are fully entitled to doubt my story.
But now, I'm feeling better. There will be people who don't understand me, and people who even wish me dead. But there are people who do understand me, and even people who surprisingly appreciate me, and those are the people that I need to focus on. Those people are the reason that I need to keep speaking out, so that they know they are not alone.
I'm embarrassed for venting like that, I feel lame, haha. Sorry for the long ramble, too xP
I hope you're doing well, or as well as you can be. I always enjoy hearing from you or seeing your bulletins!
by ☆+ Crybarr +☆; ; Report