borderline personality disorder

i am not diagnosed but since i can't afford to be diagnosed, i made my research well and i know for a fact that i have bpd. so long term relationships are really hard for me, i have not been able to make even one relationship work. which makes me feel ashamed because it feels like my being human program hasn't been coded fully. i seek too much love, i was raised by not one but two narcissistic parents. receiving unconditional love from them was a daily task for me. though when i receive too much love, this time i feel like the person giving me too much love is doing this just to betray me afterwards and i leave them before they can leave me. so nothing works for me. because of this whenever i have a crush on someone i feel so ashamed and miserable, i have nothing to offer but my problems. i've got used to the thought of loving people just from afar so i wouldn't hurt them by doing it. which answers the question on why i'm lonely. 

i try to take responsibility as much as i can but even without accepting my toxic behaviours i hate myself and am ashamed of myself too much that accepting that i'm toxic above all of that feels like i'm getting crushed under enormous weights.