god do i hate school, but... | 4/30/2025

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

but only if you're kind of crazy about the idea of development and adaptation

and you push your own limits with a slight romanticization of growth

otherwise it really just kind of hurts

well, it still does

but at least i'm able to tell myself that meaningless hurting still has "value" in the same way my human character has value for what it is and what it's becoming

i guess it's not really meaningless then?

i guess i'm just doing what religions do at their tamest

establishing meaning where it's needed

idk if my spacehey was ready for that yet but yuval harari would've been so proud

anyways

i've been getting into online study sessions with a friend. costudying. it helps get started with studying and stay focused and awake for a long period of time. it's especially useful for me because my only free time is really at night.

we've been hanging out over talky.io. let me know in the comments if you wanna study with me sometime.

so this week has been half-productive. i say that because monday night was great but tuesday night (tonight) has been meh.

today i:

• woke up at 7
• wore a mid (but not bottom) tier outfit. miku tshirt, cargo pants, hooded jacket, and another hooded jacket.
• played guitar before class started. tried to learn sexy dance by masayoshi takanaka.
• 1st period was chill
• in 3rd period i finally got someone who had bought an AP stats exam but wasn't intending on taking it. maybe i can take their exam!
• i actually went to chem lecture today. long and draining class but i got to talk to someone sweet. i think i like them. i'm intentionally not gonna elaborate because overthinking my feelings about others tends to complicate and spoil the natural trajectory of relationships for me.
• got home and hung out with mom in the kitchen
• ate dinner
• i laid in bed and just did not get up for 5 hours. i woke up periodically but was otherwise totally just lost in exhaustion.
• 12 a.m. i called my friend who was gonna study with me at 11:30 but unfortunately he had gone to bed.
• i spent an hour pirating and mp3ing some albums by tatsuro yamashita. this motherfucker is fucking goated.
• oh also i have a youtube channel and it's being updated weekly with a random video from my camcorder. check there every wednesday!
• 1 a.m. i got in bed and i realized then that i wanted to get things done. for 30 minutes i kind of fought with myself about just going to bed or getting something done.
• got up and emailed one of my professors asking for extensions and explaining my emotional predicament.
• now it's 2 a.m. and i write this blog

i think i'm getting used to being nocturnal. basically like microsleeping throughout classes and the day, laying down and totally dying after dinner, and then getting up at night for a study sess.

i like this schedule. it's productive. it's a bit exhausting, but life was already very very tiring.

i'm wide awake now. serves me damn right for taking that 5 hour semi-nap.

i'm not sure what i want to do right now. i hate to be dependent on other people but i really like costudying... so studying alone is quite loathsome in comparison. another brain mechanic to unlearn??

honestly my best move right now is probably to go to sleep, but i just don't know if i can.

plan:

- clean backpack out so i can fit more stuff in. gonna try to fit a midi keyboard and some sort of live rig in there.

- prepare outfit for tomorrow. i want to actually be fashion mf again. i yearn to be unique. but i have to compromise feeling like shit the moment i wake up with looking fine.

goodnight spacehey!

- francis